Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It takes real courage to suck another man's c@ck. And any man who can do it can dern well defend the nation I love.

   [Average Salaries] U.S. Soldier: $54,000....U.S. Congressman: $174,000 (Not counting bonuses)....What's wrong with this picture..?

   If you blame others for your failures, do you credit them with your success?

   went to the Dr. to have a physical done, he told me that I have to stop masterbating, I asked him why? He said "because I am trying to examine you!"

   As long as there is someone up in heaven to protect me, there is no one on earth who can mess with me.

   went to the walk in clinic to find out why my willy was orange, the Dr. asked me "what do you do all day?" Well, I like to surf porn and eat cheetos.

   Women are completely defenseless..... Until the nail polish dries up.

   I wish Caillou the very best, but there is no way that whiny brat is surviving past middle school!

   would rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy .

   If you continue to argue with someone moments after you realized they are retarded, makes you a retard too.

   I got 7 Rolls Royces, a indoor and outdoor pool, and a 3 toed sloth that updates my Facebook status

   I hope with all of the cool technology they're getting from that crashed UFO in Area 51 that one day scientists will be able to develop reversible socks without the annoying seam in the toe.

   I hate when people see me at the super market & the're like "Hey what you doing here?" & I'm just like "Oh you know hunting zebras"

   Some watch football for the game. Some watch it so the commercials will let them know what questions to ask their doctor.

   I say they give all politicains the Federal minimum wage of $7.25 an hour....See how fast things change then!!!!

   WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

   I still don't know why they call it Virgin Atlantic. My plane was full of skanks who wouldn't take no for an answer!

   Congrats on ur Bar Mitzvah. Today you r a man, which you'll now illustrate by going apes*** over presents.

   Dear construction worker: After 637 washes, your orange shirt is no longer classified as "high visibility".

   Got held up at customs again. Think it might be because of my rock look.