Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They say that the odds of the satellite hitting a human is HIGHER than winning the lottery... So what are the odds of winning the lotto, then walking outside and being hit by the satellite?

   IF MYSPACE and FACEBOOK have taught me anything... It's that when I become rich and famous, dont let ANYONE touch whatever it was that brought me to that point.

   if you want to post akward moment jokes and not have it redirect spell "akward wrong"

   the akward moment when you are at a funeral and your phone rings.. you ring tone is "I will survive".

   am I the only one when my mom enters the room while I am on the computer, switch to goole and just stare at it?

   I dont care if it is 5 min. till the bell.... I am packing up now !!!!

   The sad moment when you are playing hide and go seek.. you have the best hiding spot... you have to go pee

   think of a number, double it, add six, half it, take away the number you started with, your answer is three

   I hear Putin is running again for Russian Presidency. But more importantly, how will this affect the Russian mail order brides??

   What are those small bumps around a woman's nipples? They are Braille for "s*ck here."

   I had a terrible dream last night. I was a baby and Dolly Parton was my mom and she bottle fed me.

   "The Lord moves in mysterious ways" said Peter while Jesus did the moonwalk.

   What does a gynecologist and a pizza delivery guy have in common? They can smell it but they can't eat it.

   You know the pain pills are strong enough when taking one makes you sound like Ozzy Ozbourne.

   I can think of no worse slam than to tell someone that they're a Jerry Springer Show gone bad.

   Few people alive can resist the temptation to look at the tissue after they sneeze, even fewer after they wipe.

   It is impossible to unscrew a blown light bulb and not shake it to make sure you hear little pieces bouncing around!! I've tried, I can't!!

   Find a penny pick it up, and all day long you'll have significantly raised the odds of contracting a bacterial ailment.

   It's impossible for me to dance without making the "I'm the sh!t" face.

   I have the nose hair of a much older, more powerful man.