Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whoever said "It's what's on the inside that counts the most" never met my ex and experienced how full of sh!t she is.

   Have you ever looked at someone and realized "WTF" is always what immediately comes to mind?

   The 12th beer of a 12 pack always tastes a little bit like I'm calling off tomorrow.

   I was gonna play "Got your Nose" with one of my annoying coworkers the other day. But we couldn't cause she put her nose where it normally is- in our Boss's @ss.

   I have a picture of myself in my wall in my nursing uniform holding two empty bedpans. That way when they show me a photo of their honor studen or their new car I can show them a photo of me not giving two sh!ts.

   Come on Rob Zombie, where's some more horror films?!

   Gonna sleep like a baby tonight: with a bottle and wet pants.

   According to the TV ads, using Crest whitening strips will make your teeth shiny enough to use as an illumination devices.

   Trust is the most important part of a relationship. You must be 100% sure that she wont tell your wife!!!

   21 years old? 5 kids? That's not a vajayjay, that's a Pez dispenser.

   A wise man learns by the mistakes of others, a fool by his own.

   dear automatic flushing toilet, I wasnt finished. calm the FUWK down!!!

   What I resent most about 2011 : No Jetson Backpacks

   This weekends weather forecase includes scatterd showers throughout the day, a high of 76 degrees and a low of 60. ...Oh yeah, and theres probably gonna be a satellite falling from the sky. =|

   Just heard on the news we're still waiting on news of the falling satellite. Anyone know where Bruce Willis is?

   Dear Fork, I know I've never contacted you since I ran away with the plate. But I thought you should know you have a son. His name is Spork. He has your hair. Sincerely, Spoon

   Illiterate? Well then sign up today for free online reading classes!

   Whenever I go through a junk drawer and see things like a battery, a paper clip, several old rubberbands, an old watch, and a glasses repair kit I always wonder-WWMD? What would MacGuyver do?

   Those damn NASA Scientists couldnt tell me where the satellite was landing...now have to figure out alternative ways of getting rid of my ex

   just heard the weather news, a chance of rain and dead satellite falling in the US.