Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Yesterday was hump day and I totally forgot to hump someone. If you let me hump you today I may give you some money. Don't worry, it's not prostitution unless I finish

   we can't run from who we are...our destiny chooses us!

   What you don't know won't hurt you, what you know will often hurt you, what you suspect will hurt you more and when what you suspect becomes what you know, it kills you without a doubt.

   I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.

   I cant believe I saw a woman wearing slippers in church today! I almost dropped my beer.

   Life is like a vacuum cleaner, as soon as you make a firm step, it starts to suck.

   motto of the day is: Sin, Repent, Repeat.

   Words will only hurt when you believe them.

   I take a viagr@ tablet every night before I go to sleep... stops me from rolling out of bed!

   Some people just need a hug... around their neck... with a rope.

   69 will never be a normal number.

   We all have a family member who think they're a professional photographer.

   WEED IS BAD! We should burn it.

   One of my favorite hobbies before Facebook was having a life.

   "Police! OPEN the damn Door" "Not with that attitude, Mister."

   Condom Ad: If you are not 100% satisfied with our product , Happy Fathers Day!

   I'm now willing to admit that we're stuck with polka dots. They're not f***ing going anywhere.

   It's normal to have a breakfast chat alone in your kitchen with the ghost of Nell Carter, right?

   There's a reminder on my calendar for tomorrow that inexplicably just says "LEOPARD". This has been bothering me all month.

   This is how you know you're at a TX auction: you're in a barn, there's no air-conditioning and there's free booze.