Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Somewhere in the world, a Jehovah Witness is plotting his next door knock.

   that feeling going into a multiple choice test knowing you will use process of elimination to get all the questions right and then seeing all four choices could be right.....DAMNIT

   Dear Reality, I've a list of people you forgot to slap!

   Some memories are wonderful to make but painful to remember.

   Losing someone you love so much is painful but losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much is the worst.

   We're all mature until someone pulls out bubble wrap.

   Oh I'm sorry, did you say something? I tend to go deaf when I'm in the presence of bullsh!t.

   There's a difference between "wanting" and "needing" something.

   Death smiles at us all, all you can do is smile back.

   Best friends can stab you in the back and cheaters can stab you in the heart. But it's worse when they share the knife.

   Oh, I offended you with my opinion? You should hear the ones I kept to myself.

   its football season...detroit lions, cleveland tigers, & chicago bears...oh my

   The one thing you never wanna hear when your father catches you watching porn is... "Scoot over."

   sometimes I wish life was like golf...id call MULLIGAN on some moments

   Facebook will start charging you for your account. To avoid this, you MUST get NAKED, stand on your dining room table and do the Macarena, all the while singing ”I Will Survive”. Post it on your Facebook wall.

   When someone says ¨ I'm so pissed off I can't even think straight anymore¨ does that mean they are having homosexual thoughts?

   Rice is good for when you want like, two thousand of something.

   "what if your pillow could collect your dreams and when you wake up you plug it into your computer and watch them over again" YES

   I blame my parents subscription to National Geographic when I was a kid for my preference for black women.

   “Use divorce, Luke.” – Obi Wan, marriage counselor