Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If somebody offers you a lifetime supply of candy and there is just one piece, don't eat it: It's probably poison.

   trying to think of clever things to say after inhaling from a helium balloon.

   ■a guy knocked on my door today asking for a donation for the local primary school's pool. I went away and came back with a cup of water….. Is that wrong?

   If tit for tat doesn't mean flashing guys with tattoos, than I've been doing it wrong this whole time.

   When I call a woman a "candy ass", I am not being mean, it just means that I have a sweet tooth

   I always wanted to be a comic. Not a stand up act...an actual comic. I wanna slap a blob of Silly Putty on myself and make a copy of me.

   cavemen were posting on walls before it was cool

   FB isnt the place to tell everyone your life blows..... everyone knows it the place where you pretend your life is awesome!

   From now on when some one places a depressing FB status we should all just like it. I'm sad.. my life sucks..FML.. no one loves me.. LIKE That way they get the attention they want and maybe just maybe will get the idea that FB isnt the place to tell ever

   Words are cheap... unless you use one of those 900 numbers... then they are normally about $2.99 a minute!

   When I die, I just want my tombstone to read “George Clooney.” That ought to pull in some visitors.

   A telephone survey says that 51 percent of college students drink until they pass out at least once a month. The other 49 percent didn't answer the phone.

   "You can't be ugly and play hard to get. It just doesn't work that way. You're already hard to want." -Peter Griffin

   Being an Ahole to chicks to get rid of them is like menstruating to get rid of bears.

   I was asked if I liked blowing bubbles... but I am not sure. Who is Bubbles?!

   Sitting on the bus and some twat sitting next to me has decided to play vile raggarage on his loud speaker... I'm gonna either headbutt him or just return fire with some pavarotti

   having Chris Hansen show up I assume is alot like getting Rick Roll'd for pedophiles

   Ghetto wet floor sign: Caution, b*tches be trippin

   An American blue collar boy's simple pleasure: AM country classics!

   My girlfriend is a retard, but she has nice boobs...so it evens out.