Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Look. If there's a chick wearing a dog collar in her profile pic, she's got a friend request coming from me. Period.

   4 shots of 5 hour energy this morning, not only do I look like I have Parkinsons, but I can actually see sound waves resonating when people talk to me.

   Q. What's DNA stand for? A. National Dyslexics Association

   Tomorrow is not guaranteed - and that applies to relationships too. Love for today for tomorrow you may break up.

   Strive to make your dreams and your reality one and the same!

   A true love story has no ending, pauses yes, but no ending.

   It's sad to see how people seem to put more effort into their wedding than they do into their marriage.

   If you get angry, just relax, take a deep breath and count to ten, unless you're angry about oxygen and numbers.

   Ladies, I can either play with your heart or with your boobs. Its your choice.

   We all have that one person we forever regret giving our phone number to.

   Happy Couple = She does what she wants & He does what she wants.

   I tried to grow a weed plant before, it didn't turn out so good. Gardening wasn't my calling

   Do you believe in hate at first site? Well it exists.

   wondering why Tarzan doesnt have a beard?

   I hate it when you finally fall in love & your girlfriend's all "Who are you? Put down my dog. I'm calling the police."

   Having relationship problems? replace the 'ight' in 'fight' with 'uck'. problem solved.

   going to argue with you...but then I remembered I really didn't care

   In my day a mouse pad was a place rodents lived, a cursor was someone you avoided, and if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy you sure never told anyone.

   Baseball World Records: Most Home Runs: Barry Bonds RBI's: Hank Aaron Career Batting Streak: Joe DiMaggio Most Innings Pitched: Cy Young Hit In The Face With The Most Balls: Justin Bieber

   I assume aliens love oral since they only abduct humans without teeth.