Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's something fishy about this cucumber I'm eating.......

   There's no "I" in meat, but there's "me" and "eat", and I don't know how vegans can argue with that logic.

   Someone was a horrible person in their past life.. and was then reincarnated as my liver.

   when you were little and your parents closet looked huge. Now you have one filled and nothing to wear... so sad

   FYI: Taking permanent marker and writting Aeropostale on Fruit of the Loom tee shirts will NOT fool your teenager.

   Being funny on Facebook at 2 a.m. is like seeing a UFO... no one gets to see it or believes you.

   The show "Toddlers and tiaras" was named that way because "Strippers in training" and "Mothers with self esteem issues" just wasn't as catchy.

   you know it wasn't always called bipolar, it once was called being a b!tch

   I liked you a lot more before I met you.

   I delete the recent history from my profile for the same reasons I don't go to church. It gives people the wrong impression and it makes Jesus roll his eyes.

   It's ironic that there's only one I in Forest Whitaker.

   My life wasn't complete until I met you,,,,,,, You COMPLETELY ruined it. Thanks...

   Who the f*ck threw this "work" thing right in the middle of my Facebook time? Am I being Punked?

   She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of 10 said their place.

   Rolling a piece of toilet paper up and sticking it in your ear and just letting it hang there makes it awkward for people to talk to you.

   If Monday had a gender it would be female... they are always a b!tch. If they were easy, it'd be a slut.

   Wats the point of having emergency vehicle  turn the lights on n driving below the speed limit on an empty street! 

   We are the WTF generation : Wikipedia, Twitter and Facebook.

   When I stop talking and just walk away, it doesn't mean you've won. It means I'm not wasting any more time on your stupid ass.

   I drank so much this weekend, that if Dracula bit my neck, he'd get a Bloody Mary.