Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I also read that sex is a form of communication. If that's the case… I'm frequently talking to myself

   Too many people live for compliments, instead of accomplishments.

   Make your anger so expensive that no one can afford it and make your happiness so cheap that people can almost get it free.

   I didn't want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.

   i still dont know how to use the three seashells....

   u know you have drank to much vodka when you start speaking russian...

   one question: Exactly how long are your parents going to hide your acceptance letter from Hogwarts?

   anybody else ever shave your balls and instantly regret it?

   I could totally be on jeopardy, as an audience member...

   I don't mind coming to work… but this 8 hours wait is bulls#$%

   If she's still wearing silly bands, she's to young for you bro.

   had a date tonight...& didnt need chloroform

   Wondering how much of my tax money was used to fuel up the marine helicopters used to bring the trainers in for the biggest loser. Now I'm paying for fat people to lose weight? Wtf!

   I can memorize twenty song lyrics before I can memorize one answer to a question on a test -_-

   Putting you're offline chat on Facebook so it actually looks like you have a life and don't sit on Facebook all day.

   I don't understand why people reward others with "brownie points." I can't eat or buy anything with those. Just bake the f*cking brownies.

   Girls ignore nice guys, Chase a$#holes, Then they have the nerve to complain about it..

   New Yorkers get such a bad rap for being rude. I was visiting relatives in Manhattan, and some guy walked up to me and asked, "Excuse me,can you tell me how to get to the Empire State Building, or should I just go f**k myself?"

   Sunglasses; they allow you to stare at people without being caught..

   it would be pretty sweet if reposts came with audio set to the Price is Right Losing Horn.