Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Unlucky people are those who break their nose even when they fall backwards.

   When sh!t goes down and lines are drawn and sides are taken, that's when you find out who was real and who was faking.

   A woman said : "Men are like pennies: two-faced and worthless" I say : "women are like anything that can be bought by those pennies"

   A husband received a phone call from police."Sir we have found the body of a woman who we suspect is ur wife.Can you please come n identify the body?" Husband-"I'm a bit busy right now,why don't you take a pic,tag me on Facebk n if it's her,I'll click the

   At work, first they tell me that they don't pay me to think, then they ask me what the hell was I thinking. Then I told 'em," You said you don't pay me to think!" Jeez, make up your minds!

   I can't stand people who blame everyone else for their problems....I'd be successful and happy by now if it wasn't for them!!!!

   I don't like exercise so I'm not going to walk a mile in your shoes....I'll judge you standing right here!!!!!

   I plead a 5th of Jack Daniels!

   They say that spontaneity is the spice of life but I don't see it on the shelf so I'm going with Paprika.

   Bullsh!t, cheaters ALWAYS win. That's the point of cheating. If you cheated and didn't win, no one would ever cheat.

   This whole time I thought they were using reverse psychology on me, so I say yes to drugs. (

   ☐ Single. ☐ Taken. ☑ Helping Mario get Peach back

   When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.

   "In an unhealthy relationship" should definately be a Facebook option.

   Having your hands amputated... You just can't beat it!!

   MY wife use to be afraid of the dark..then she saw me naked now she's afraid of the light..

   Never expecting the unexpected making the unexpected

   I wanna have a party with fake alcohol and see how many people act wasted.

   pretty sure the people who dislike the popular posts are gothic kids that just want to be different.

   There would be less drunk driving in the world if Jack In The Box delivered.