Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   some people walk into you life and leave footprints on your heart, others make you want to leave footprints on their faces.

   I see a lot of stuff on something called Nibiru, A lot are asking many questions about this "wandering brown dwarf star" Put your freakin ouija boards away and leave Gary Coleman alone, show some respect.....

   The bible say, "thou shalt love thy neighbor" which means, take your password off your wifi!!

   Ok, so now the NFL is posting on NBC at the bottom of the screen "Futbol Americano", is this serious? Did we just fleece all of American culture?

   What happens if you put the Energizer Bunny's batteries in backward? He keeps coming and coming and coming.

   On September 31st 2011 Facebook will start charging you for your account. To avoid this, you MUST get NAKED, stand on your dining room table and do the Macarena, all while singing ”I Will Survive”. Then, and only then, will Mark Zuckerberg come down y

   Saw a homeless woman with a sign that said, "Mother of two. Please help." So I gave her some condoms.

   How did I get out of Iraq? Iran. (-;

   whats the difference between mike vick and a dollar bill....you can get 4 quarters out of a dolla

   why do they say that you can't buy friends?! I haven't had a problem with that! It's keeping them after I am broke ...that is the problem!!

   Just ordered a chicken and an egg off of amazon to see which comes first. I'll keep you posted

   Zuckerberg for president in 2012.... He knows more about change than Obama ever does

   What do you call a blonde with two brain cells? Pregnant.

   What's the difference between your wife and your job? After 5 years your job still sucks.

   Dear Picky Coworker, Watching you order and customize every aspect of your entrée even going off menu makes us fear what the staff will do to our food. Keep doing this and we'll spit on your plate ourselves. Sincerely, Your Tablemates.

   Nothing says “I need a swift steel-toed kick to the crotch!” like people who silently watch and say nothing as someone is bullied... Except maybe parents who give their children weird @ss names.

   Why thank you for the nausea Halitosis Man!... Hopefully you'll be around to save me with your super powered sh!t breath if I ever accidentally swallow poison.

   When you hear a classic song on TV pimping the Swiffer and you tell your kid you think it's cool, then you are officially a nerdy parent.

   Roses are Red, Nuts are brown, Skirts go Up, Pants go Down, Body to Body, Skin to Skin, When it is Stiff, Stick it In, The Longer its In, The stronger it Gets, It goes in Dry, Comes out Wet, It comes out dripping,and it starts to Sag, Its a teabag

   Facebook has Peter Principled. It has risen to its own level of incompetence. The cracks are in the foundation. It's doomed. Remember MySpace? Come to think of it. Neither do I.