Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thinking about writing a children's book called "Stop asking me for sh!t."

   F*ck you light bulb it's my turn to be burnt out.

   I still want to walk away in slo-mo from a cool-looking explosion one day, but running away from a clogged toilet will have to do for now.

   I love everybody. Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and some I'd love to punch in the face!

   Some people call me a smart ass, I say I'm just smart with a good ass answer.

   Somewhere in the hood somebody mama is using they child's name to keep the house phone on.

   Are you really worried that much about your internet history in the afterlife? Everyone knows you masturbate to porn, don't worry. No one needs to clear it when you die.

   Dont let the ladies fool you cuz deep down they know they need us men...If not for the orgygasims then at least for are ability too kill spiders and open jars...

   It's going to take a lot more than a few “LIKES” on my Facebook page to make me forget what an ass you were in high school.

   Can we have a moment of silence for those unfortunate souls who have never smoked weed...

   If you have to question whether or not your behavior is acceptable - it's probably not.... and we should definitely hang out.

   "When all is said and done" It will be really quiet.

   I wish I could get fired and get paid $25 million like Charlie Sheen.

   Sorry, I'm not yawning because what you're saying is "boring." I'm merely stretching my mouth before I excercise it when I say "SHUT THE F*** UP!"

   Charlie Sheen get $25,000,000 settlement to not work? I did something seriously wrong with my life

   Virgin: Deeper Hooker: Harder Wife: mmm grey would be a nice color for the ceiling

   Idiot friend : man the economy sucks there no jobs anywhere. ME : I'll give you a job, can you start tomorrow? Idiot friend : man I wish I could but I'm busy all day. Me: so how is Gears of War 3? Idiot friend : Fricking awesome man.

   Making love is an art form and there is always some guy who doesn't know how to use his paintbrush. And there is always some girl whose canvas has had one too many brushstrokes.

   "The world needs fewer judgmental people." - Some stupid idiot person, probably.

   Well'p just saw my fb friend count go down a notch... I wonder if it's something I might have said....