Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People who write "WASH ME" on dirty cars are the same people who think "Pull My Finger" is the most hilarious game ever

   I'm so glad dog hair is an accepted accessory in society.

   The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you, would actualy kill me

   Make me good God, but not just yet.

   A friend of mine was wounded in combat. He sprained his ankle when he tripped over a table during a bar fight.

   ‎2 days before the new iphone comes out the Blackberry network crashes... Well Played Apple!

   its horrible when you get harshly woken up...by your own fart

   moonwalking away after mugging someone because you're a smooth criminal

   i think I spend more time looking for a movie on netflix then actually watching

   when one of the selling features of a hotel room is "working smoke detectors", best take your $50 elsewhere

   NBA cancels first two weeks of the season. I hope Kim and Khloe are gonna be ok........

   It's pretty sad when someone's idea of "meeting new people" consists of adding everyone in the People You May Know tool....

   The NBA has canceled the first two weeks of the regular season. In a related story who cares.

   ___\(._.\) TO THE WINDOWS (/._.)/ TO THE WALL…

   10 years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash – Now we have no Jobs, no Hope and no Cash.

   I love Fig Newtons. Yes, You might say i'm a "FIGGIT".

   I don't just think of them as my children, but also, God forbid, as a human shield.

   The Kids nowadays play around so young they're making Birth control pills shaped like Fred Flintstone.

   The New York City protesters look like GOD picked up a Wallmart and dumped it on Wall Street.

   My eye's feel like they need a kickstand.