Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The NBA has canceled the first two weeks of the regular season. In a related story who cares.

   ___\(._.\) TO THE WINDOWS (/._.)/ TO THE WALL…

   10 years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash – Now we have no Jobs, no Hope and no Cash.

   I love Fig Newtons. Yes, You might say i'm a "FIGGIT".

   I don't just think of them as my children, but also, God forbid, as a human shield.

   The Kids nowadays play around so young they're making Birth control pills shaped like Fred Flintstone.

   The New York City protesters look like GOD picked up a Wallmart and dumped it on Wall Street.

   My eye's feel like they need a kickstand.

   I think greedy people need to be shot on sight with a bazooka full of exploding sh!t.

   just taken a ride in the WAWA hoagie baloon.

   Women are like a box of chocolates... you dont know if they are gonna be good unless you finger them all.

   Just ate some candy corn and am sick of Halloween already.

   My wife said she'd give me a Golden shower if I take her to Golden Corral.

   Two men broke in Whoopi's house, She yelled Rape, They screamed no

   The signs of a good plate of nachos? When you turn your plate 3 or 4 times and have NO idea where to start!!

   make sure you go to peoples funerals, else the ywon't come to yours!

   'like' this and you'll love whats coming up next ;o)

   All the angels in heaven are now playing Smart Harps.

   If jimmy cracked corn and no one cares, WHY THE HELL IS EVERYONE SINGING ABOUT IT!!..

   I hate when I walk through a metal detector and my buns of steel set them off.