Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Having one child makes you a parent, having two makes you a referee and having more than two makes you a bouncer!

   When the alcohol goes in, the truth comes out.

   I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the time he killed himself.

   My closest relationship is with my phone.

   If your sex manual says, "sex only in beds" you obviously have the Beginner's Edition!

   You ever go to sleep late afternoon and wake up after dark....and you don't know what damn day it is?

   Everytime you tell someone they got a piece of food on the side of their face, they always start wiping the opposite side of where its located....then you just wanna punch them for still not getting it.

   I sometimes go to my own little world, but that's okay, they know me there.

   Its my birthday today and I am feeling so special even the supermarket doors are opening by themselves when they see me coming through.

   dear Friday, I'm ready..

   when someone says "Sh*t just got real!" does it mean everything was fake all along ? o_0

   botox, hair dye, liposuction, firming body cream ...your only hope now is to find the fountain of intelligence

   ever notice Michael Moore looks like Peter Griffin

   adjusting your boxers does not constitute playing with yourself.

   Mirror: You look amazing. Camera: I don't think so... Friends: Hey you, someone looks beautiful! Self-esteem: You're ugly.

   Facebook is not the place to reveal your deepest darkest secrets. Your friends "like" you but they don't like you that much!

   You'll never reach your destination if you stop and throw stones at every dog that barks. Rather keep biscuits in your pocket, feed the dogs & move ahead.

   I have a lot of friends practicing law without a degree. They all want to judge me.

   In kindergarden they call them cooties. in high school we call them STDs...

   This is how my week goes mooooooooooooonday.. tuuuuuuuuuuuuesday... weeeeeeeeeeednesday... thuuuuuuuuuuursday.. fridaysaturdaysunday....