Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   After years of hearing it, for once I would like to be the one saying, “Now get the hell out of my office?”

   Still waiting for the best day of my life to happen.

   If you are going to hate on me for no apparent reason I am going to make it my business to find and give you a reason to hate me.

   You know they are definitely ugly when they have a car on their profile picture.

   That rather unflattering moment when she yells, “give it to me now!” when you have been giving it to her to the best of your ability for the past five minutes.

   I can remember Oct 8 as if it was yesterday

   i woke up at 8:07 this morning, just so I can say that I consciously experienced the 7th minute of the 8th hour, on the 9th of the 10th, in the '11th year.

   my neighbor bought a pumpkin and carved it. I asked him, " why didnt you make it look like it had teeth"? he said, " I was trying to make it look like my wife".

   thinks it is hilarious that the Wall St. protestors hate big corporations, wearing their GAP jeans, taking pictures with their Motorola camera phones, and drinking from Dasani water bottles.

   McDonald's is down to their last pound of ground beef. That should be good for another million burgers.

   If I was a ghost on "Ghost Whisperer" the first thing I would ask Jennifer Love Hewitt is "are those real?".

   I didn't quite understand the intervention I just had. What's the point of telling me I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place

   Its amazing how the people with no real job always have weed on them everytime

   Bringing babies on a 7 hours flight should not be allowed.

   The one thing you don't read about Helen Keller is how everybody blamed farts on her.

   If my dad were alive today he would say, "Stop telling people I'm dead".

   Hey kids you may think you are cool playing your music loud, but face the facts. You were probably conceived during a commercial during Melrose Place

   You should always be honest and tell a woman if she's got a mediocre pu$$y. It only makes her try harder next time.

   That annoying moment when two people start a conversation on YOUR Facebook status.

   Trying to read a cartoon character's lips is the most frustrating thing ever