Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Caught a flounder in my crab trap....What a fluke.

   Today almost had me pinned to the mat, but then I kneed its balls and now I'm pulling its tights up into its buttcrack.

   Just once, can you get the weather forecast right, weather fuc*ers?

   during a moment of silence at services last night...my ex girlfriend Stephanie asked what was happening...I said "this is the part of the service where we blow the Shofar"... she said "I'll take care of it...you paid for dinner".

   I have to stop eating rotisserie chicken. It is making me feel dizzy!

   Whenever someone says, "Have a good one." I always respond with, "I have a good one, I just wish it were longer."

   Yes tomorrow is Friday. Big f-ing deal. It happens every week. Deal with it.

   Two of the greatest mysteries of the universe: 1) Why are we here? 2) How come Chinese restaurants don't serve breakfast?

   I have the penmanship of a 7-year old arthritic serial killer who's been authorized to write prescriptions.

   When I got to the part of the job application that asked, "How much money per hr/per yr" I wrote "How much ya got?" because I didn't wanna' sound greedy...

   Presidential Election 2012. Herman Cain Vs. Barack Obama Better known as Cain vs Unable.

   Ever see an ugly woman with 3 or more kids, and wonder to yourself, "Who KEEPS f*cking you?!"

   I'm waking up early to knock on Jehovah's Witnesses' doors. Gonna ask them if they've accepted Time Warner as their Internet Service Provider.

   If I make intense eye contact with you as I yawn, I'm basically saying, "This one's for you, you boring motherf*cker."

   There should be a law requiring the cashier to high five you every time you buy a box of condoms.

   Just came up with the best idea ever! And it's called going to bed. good night everyone.

   Because of tanning beds, 1000 years from now archeologists will think we used to fry people as punishment

   I play this fun game with ladies called "just the tip," where I refuse to pay for anything other than the gratuity at dinner.

   I was gonna give change to a homeless guy today, but his sign said ONE DAY IT COULD BE YOU. So, I held onto it just in case he was right

   Some might debate whether waterboarding is torture, but we can all agree leaving burnt popcorn beeping in the office microwave IS torture.