Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   why is it so hard to understand women, its like I have to sit with a notepad n pen and study these basturds.

   just gave the dollar to a cover for a bar with which I just did cocaine with

   I want my head stone to read: He was survived by his family and 672 Facebook friends.

   This cantelope scare is the first time men don't want to see melons

   Oh man! I just heard Obama is coaching our team tonight.. Some public relations gimmick. He's giving the opposing team our quarterback, wide recievers and linebackers in the interest of spreading the wealth around.. :-/

   a wife is somebody who won't tell you what to do but will get mad when you don't do what she wanted you to do

   all those extreme couponers across together need to band together and propose a budget plan to the president

   just took an inventory of my body and it seems to be overstocked in all the wrong places

   Word of the day---FOCUS (fu@k off cuz ur stupid)

   Now that I am older... I wear bell bottom pants so I can flash the guys a little easier!

   Keep your head high, but your middle finger higher

   Just put on the pajamas I'd like to be buried in, so no, I don't think I'll be going out tonight.

   1. play a youtube video 2.pause it 3. hold left arrow for 3 seconds 4. then press up arrow while holding left arrow 5. play the snake game

   The new FIFA12 is full of bugs... I tried to make a substitution, but Carlos Tevez wouldn't come on..!

   You know what's funny? Paintings of Adam & Eve where they both have belly buttons. Think about it, take as much time as you need.

   Has anybody woke Green Day up yet?

   you know ur ugly when ur body gets more likes than ur face...............

   Four out of five urologists smell their apple juice before they drink it.

   I have learnt so much from my mistakes, I am thinking of making a few more.

   Just once I'd like to see a realistic tampon commercial where the actress is sitting in bed crying with a half eaten snickers in her mouth!