Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Since I can't get my illiterate coworker use spell check, I set his email signature to say "Sent from my phone, pardon any typos"

   If having Rainbow Bright stickers on my face is wrong, I don't want to be right

   If you truly love someone you roll down the window to scoop out the fart you put in the car.

   Why does everyone love dolphins so much? They're mammals that can breathe under water and they're smarter than us. We should be worried.

   A man asked a prostitute, “How much is one round?” The Prostitute replies,"100 on the bed, 50 on the sofa and 20 on the floor. The man gives her 100 and the Prostitute says, 'Wow a classy guy' The man replies, “classy my a$$, I want 5 times on the

   I am going to tell you a little secret; it doesn't cost a single dime to mind your own business.

   Sometimes I hate being around interesting people because it means I have to try and be interesting too.

   I can choose to let it define me, confine me, refine me, outshine me or I can choose to move the f*ck on and leave it behind me.

   Damaged people are dangerous because they know they can survive

   The heart is a msucle. What do muscles do when they are torn? Brow back stronger

   Be my Facebook Friend, NOT a Spy or a Hater.

   Trying really hard to have a good day. There is not nearly enough genital touching going on for that to happen though.

   Just discovered there is a level of sadness where happy songs are way more depressing than sad songs.

   The crap I can say with a perfectly straight face is illegal in 48 states. The other two just haven't met me yet.

   Trying really hard to have a good day. There is not nearly enough genital touching going on for that to happen though.

   All I pray is that when I die the death certificate does not contain the phrases "straining at stool" or "unusual mummification".

   When you weigh under 150 pounds in prison you're literally doing hard time.

   Dallas Morning News reports that Tony Romo is on a liquid diet to prevent choking.

   Guys, clean up your!̸̶͚͖͖̩̻̩̗͍̮̙̈͊͛̈͒̍̐ͣͩ̋ͨ̓̊̌̈̊́̚͝͠ͅ ̷̧̢̛͖̤̟̺̫̗͚̗͖ͪ̏̔̔̒́ͥ̓ͫ̀ͤ̇ͥ͝ ̡̊͛̇ ͫ̉ͦ̊̀̔ͧͮ͆̽ͦͩ͋̌͗̚̚҉̵͖̟͙̮͈̼̹̞͝ͅscreen ;D

   Not everyone who plays with you is on your team.