Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A smart ass is someone who can sit on an ice cream cone and tell you what flavor it is.

   Why do people add me on Facebook and never say anything? ... Just hanging around watching like a rapist in a van

   I feel like a mushroom. Kept in the dark and fed nothing but $hit.

   Kim Jong Ill: Why is everyone so f**king stupid? Why can't more people be interrigent, like me.

   For sale: Dignity, gently used. Comes with sense of shame (still in box). $1 OBO.

   I really wish Kellogg's would change the name of Froot Loops to HomO's.

   "Tue, Wed, Thu, Fri, Sat, Sun, Mon." -Jamaican naming six days of the week

   I hate it when my nap gets interrupted by a pedestrian slamming into my windshield.

   My wife refers to my underwear drawer as skid row.

   i wish my car ran off MONSTER like I do or even trident layers (imagine)..lol

   My printer must have been made in Jamaica because it always be jammin, mon.

   Before his wiener got seared off, Anakin Skywalker was an obsessive Master-Vader.

   My iPhone is currently updating so I have to tweet from my computer like some Ethiopian kid.

   MY HERO!" "My hero." --Guy who got his sandwich stolen, then saved by a stranger

   She keeps complaining that I always do her with socks on.. I suppose wearing a condom would be better...

   Our Father who art in Saint Louis, Baseball be thy game. Thy will be done, the NL Division will be won, on the field, as well as in the bullpen. Give us this day our bat and our glove, and forgive us our errors, as we forgive those who home-run against us

   Just heard Jay-Z's new pro Wall Street remix. If you're having financial problems I feel bad for you son. You're in the 99% but I'm in the one.

   Halloween costume idea #27 Ronald McDonald outfit, suit jacket, and Red Wig comb over…Ronald McDonald Trump!

   Swagging on a million tissue boxes

   A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked, "Crushed nuts?" " He goes, "No, arthritis."