Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wrote you a song, man was it tough finding something to rhyme with "Bar Skank"

   I'm going to a Halloween party without a shirt, so when people ask what I'm supposed to be I can say a premature ejaculation... I just came in my pants.

   If someone wants to be a part of your life, they'll make an effort to be in it. So... yeah.. don't bother reserving a spot in your life for me.

   I can't go to Hell, Satan still has that restraining order against me.

   If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to "grow up," I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.

   My daily FB goals - 1) Make someone laugh 2) Make someone smile 3) Make someone shake their head 4) Make someone disgusted 5) P!ss someone off. Not exactly in that order.

   If you don't cuss when you drive you aren't paying enough attention to the road.

   "Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life." - Steve Jobs

   Ladies: I know you have more etiquette than that. Stop Showing Everything, let male minds wonder what's there.

   The idiot that wrote about the "Porshes and Mexicans" knows how to spell Porsche.

   My girlfriend's name is SLEEP, and I get some every night.

   just read that A.C. Nielsen Jr., pioneer of TV ratings firm, died yesterday as well, but due to news of Steve Jobs it was overlooked and Mr. Nielsen only received an 8.5 rating.

   the idiot who wrote about the Porshes and Mexicans, the last time I check people in the US cant afford to buy a car

   All 911 decals have been removed from Police cars in an effort to dissuade Mexicans from stealing them who think they're Porsches.

   Doing work on the bathroom, went to Lowe's and, long story short, still not mature enough to ask for caulk without laughing

   The only difference between a sink and urinal is an opinion

   Good: Your son's finally maturing Bad: He's involved with the woman next door Worse: So are you

   Sex is like math. Add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and hope you don't multiply!

   Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter Bad: She keeps interrupting Worse: With corrections

   I'll be sober tomorrow but you'll be ugly for the rest of your life.