Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This whole time I thought they were using reverse psychology on me, so I say yes to drugs. (

   ☐ Single. ☐ Taken. ☑ Helping Mario get Peach back

   When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.

   "In an unhealthy relationship" should definately be a Facebook option.

   Having your hands amputated... You just can't beat it!!

   MY wife use to be afraid of the dark..then she saw me naked now she's afraid of the light..

   Never expecting the unexpected making the unexpected

   I wanna have a party with fake alcohol and see how many people act wasted.

   pretty sure the people who dislike the popular posts are gothic kids that just want to be different.

   There would be less drunk driving in the world if Jack In The Box delivered.

   When you wake up the first thing you do is roll over and check your cell phone

   On the way home today rush hr traffic I let 8 people in and got 2 waves.should have a rocket launcher ..just saying..KABOOM

   Whenever I fly and there's a little bit of turbulence, all I can think of is that I'm going to die.

   My box of animal crackers says "May contain nuts." So I'm inspecting each animal before I eat it...just in case.

   wondering if any would notice if I were to put something like... "never on schedule, but always on time."

   I'm going to be staining the fence in our backyard today because that's what you do on vacation when you're awesome.

   I'm not saying she's a hoe.. All I'm saying is she's been on more wieners than Heinz Ketchup

   There are 3 things that drive me nuts in this world...People who think they know it all and people who can't count!!

   real reason Steve Jobs died.....Jesus needed tech support for his iPOD

   what is usualy said to a black man in a 3 piece suit? will the defendant please rise"