Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hate , when I hear a good song ,now this songs comes on while we hang out,now I am stuck thinking about you ...you ruined a good song

   Definition of a cougar status: The cougar comes out in you after 22 years living in the zoo behind bars with an a$$hole, then one day you wake up and leave the a$$hole behind bars and escape into the wild jungle....freedom to be yourself!!!

   Fun idea: Not got kids? Hire a babysitter anyway, say kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken. On your return ask where your child is.

   They should let the guy who named a group of crows a "murder" name more stuff.

   The biggest problem we are facing today is caused by people who were born on third base, then act like they hit a home run when they cross home plate. Only those who hit the pitch can celebrate a home run!

   When someone says, "I think of you as family," I assume they're gonna scream at me for something that happened 15 years ago.

   THEY'RE going THERE with THEIR friends. Come on people...it's grammar, not rocket science.

   I don't always drink milk, but when I do.... I prefer Dos Boobies. Stay thirsty my friends...

   My friend said to quit hitting him. I told him those were fighting words!

   Liking your own status is like high-five-ing yourself in public

   FB jackings just another fantasy by the annonymous

   There are so many absurdities, contradictions & cruelties in the Bible that it's impossible for it to have been inspired by any supernatural being. It's poorly written. A better job could be done by a group of linguists, philosophers & Pastafarians.

   such a drunk I just took the Wine out of Amys house.

   My solution to world hunger: Tell em to order Dominoes Pizza.....they can't possibly get in 30 minutes so it would all be free.

   everyone is so eager to get some prison tattoos but nobody is eager to go to prison...

   I've always wanted to place a personal ad no one would answer: "Elderly, depressed, accident-prone junkie, likes Canadian food and Welsh music, seeking rich, well-built, oversexed, female deaf mute in her late teens. Must be nonsmoker."

   find the gay person: ☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺ ☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺ ☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺ can't do it can you? it's cause their humans too.. stop hating, you look pathetic

   Found some chips in the bag of air I just bought!

   I hate it when people get distracted while they are talking...oooh, look, a butterfly

   Ladies keep saying "Save the TaTa's" as their Breast Cancer Awareness slogan. I will do my part then ladies so text me a pic of those tittays and I will save them to my phone!