Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   has anyone found that satellite that suppose of hit the earth yet?

   Don't you hate sitting in a chair after someone gets up and it feels like their a$$ must've been under a broiler?

   I advertised on the internet for a wife, I got a 1000 emails saying "Hey you can take mine"

   Watching football shows me just how enthusiastic and pretty beer drinkers are. According to beer ads.

   if a slave was born into a plantation and knew nothing of the outside world, he would not call it hopeless because it's all he knows. perhaps this propagated system of "democracy" is all you know

   thinks it's hilarious that some people see any comparison at all between Wall St protesters freely demonstrating and slavery.

   How can you compare the protestors to slaves?!? slaves were born into a hopeless life, but with hard work and accepting the fact that its not somebody elses job to provide for you. You can become anything!

   I love Halloween. You get free candy without having to get into anyone's van.

   Alarm clocks: because every morning should start with a heart attack

   If you ever see anyone planking in public, nothing is stopping you from dropping a Macho Man "flying elbow" on them.

   If Rick Ross was Mexican they would call him Hoazay

   Wife: Do you want some dinner? Husband: Sure, what are my choices? Wife: Yes and No

   Black guy is in the electric chair. They cut his pants at the knee to attach a wire. Head of his d*ck pops out. The guy that pulls the switch starts laughing. The black guy says: Laugh man, but if I was frying YOU, yo's would shrink up too!

   I hate people that eat like there's no tomorrow and don't get fat.

   Fresh out the shower √ Ice cold beer √ BBQ grill ready √ Sunday NFL Football √ √ √....---> IT'SGO TIME<---

   The best part of waking up...isBUDLIGHT in your cup!

   to the man who calls wall st protestors hypocritical for using corporate made items, then you must think the slaves were hilarious for using clubs and daggers made by their masters, wearing cotton clothes, and escaping on roads paved for their masters

   After years of hearing it, for once I would like to be the one saying, “Now get the hell out of my office?”

   Still waiting for the best day of my life to happen.

   If you are going to hate on me for no apparent reason I am going to make it my business to find and give you a reason to hate me.