Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's fascinating that a creature can begin as a caterpillar and end as a stepped-on caterpillar

   you know your day is bad when your coffee makes you tired

   If I have a baby girl..I'm going to name her "Charity" Then I will be able to hold fundraisers in her name...not to mention the tax breaks.

   I hate it when one of my favorite songs is out of my vocal range..

   why I'm single: ☑ I can't date the Internet. ☑ I can't date my favorite celebrity. ☑ I can't date myself. ☑ I can't date music.

   3 words 8 letters That lead to instant popularity... "I HAVE GUM"

   I eat the food on my plate in order from least favorite to most favorite

   Girls get so weird when you ask them to make a wittle baby in their tum tum... still single

   Ugh, this girl who woke up in my bed is SO needy. She's all "Who are you?" "What'd you put in my drink?"

   Do you think Hugh Hefner will kill himself and let his Exotic pets loose?

   This morning I had to stare death directly in the eyes! Well, it was my ex, but she looks dead and it was still scary.

   Let's get drunk and make some bad decisions

   Nothing better then waking up with the woman YOU love. :) - Me, waking up with the woman YOU love......

   Latin is like zombies. They're both technically dead but still influencing society.

   If a zombie apocalypse ever happens, we all better hope people who can do parkour don't get infected.

   When I am on vacation I put in my Out of Office message to contact Batman with any problems, as I feel he is the only one qualified to replace me anyway.

   Are you single single or internet single?

   If you sleep with someone, then try to sneak out in the morning, you are an ASS! First you have to delete your number from their phone, THEN sneak out. Come on people, use your heads.

   A Friend suggestion with 1 mutual friend!? Really facebook?? Has it gotten that pathetic? ..smh.

   t's annoying that you have to sexually rub the wall while you search for the light switch in a dark room.