Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everyone wants to wear Gucci. Not everyone wants to go out and get a job.

   I hate married people who act single.

   wondering if anybody is feeling Obama's Stimulus "Package" yet?

   The rather uneasy moment when your ex is hotter than before.

   Bring Your Child To Work Day; must be awkward for prostitutes.

   I guess my second puberty where I get a pen!s is never going to happen.

   V@gina is such an ugly word for ovary cave

   Please don't promise me something I never asked for and then change your mind the moment I fall for it.

   In solidarity with my Blackberry friends, I am not updating my st@tus until they are fully back on-line.

   A slut can't count to 70 because her mouth is full at 69

   If you think my wife is hot you should see my girlfriend.

   If you consider yourself a percetage of the US, then you're really just worthless to it.

   To all who lose constantly, never knowing victory, never experiencing a win. You are the champion of that.

   "Our instruments can make sounds!" --all sh!tty indie rock bands.

   Ever want to click on someones status and edit it for them?

   It's time to stop making the same old mistakes in your life. Get creative. Make some new ones.

   I know the exact day I gave up following the path of least resistance. It's on my birth certificate.

   They always say never work with animals or kids, this is especially true in porn. :/

   Lets extend a warm 'Welcome Back' to our Blackberry friends who were momentarily lost in the technology wilderness for the past 20 Hours.

   SORRY should only be said when it's not going to happen again. Not when you just want to be given another chance to mess up again.