Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate the people who point at their wrist asking for the time... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

   Don't make conclusions when you are not involved. Don't judge others on their mistakes when you are making your own.

   "So cute! Do you think he'd fit in a crock pot?" The people at this dog shelter have like *no* sense of humor.

   Stop calling yourself sexy. The only thing you turn on is a microwave.

   Two problems with auto-flushing toilets: A) when they flush before you're done. B) when they don't flush & you can't find the button.

   Falling for you was fun… until I hit the ground

   "Dude she just called you fat!" "OH HELL NO, Hold my cake...and diet coke!"

   Girls, not all guys are jerks... just most of us

   Fellas: When you are making love to your woman and she starts reaching for things that aren't there, then you know you are doing it right.

   A single rose can be my garden... a single friend, my world.

   If I were a Kardashian, I would be Kikoo the developmentally disabled one who lives in the pool house and makes designer drool bibs.

   I met a cougar online. She said she still turns heads at her age. She was right. When we hooked up, my head did a 360 and I started vomiting green pea soup.

   what's the most polite way to excuse yourself as a guy to go to the bathroom when dining with a lady? "Please excuse me,I need to shake hands with a friend of mine,whom I hope you will have the pleasure of meeting after dinner"

   Seen a baby wearing a shirt saying; "Santa doesn't exist, but that's okay, because I can't read."

   wondering why I say I wont ever drink again when dealing with a bad hang over, but soon as its gone, start planning my next night on the lash!

   Dear Harry Potter fans,, Of course Star Wars fans are better than you,, We even have our own holiday,,,, Sincerely,, May the 4th be with you !

   Damn, three raptures and I'm still here....I'm starting to think there must be something wrong with me.

   Pretty much all of the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening or married to someone else.

   My Friends wife caught him pleasuring himself in the kitchen earlier. he was spitting into her Mum's cup of tea.

   If ‘ifs' and ‘buts' were candy and nuts, we'd all have a merry Christmas.