Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The last time I touched a nice ass was when my hand went through the toilet paper

   in the future i'm gonna be telling my kids "back in my day we sat the DVD player on top of the tv"

   I've just seen an advert for a cruise offering "ocean views". That's a shame, I wanted to stare at the f-kin engine for a week!

   I'm pretty sure if I put what was actually on my mind as my Facebook status, all my friends would delete me.

   You know, it wasn't always called bipolar. It once was called "being a b!tch"

   How many of my friends out there update their status' on their Blackberrys?....well?....Hello....<crickets>

   Dear Blackberry, I think it's nice that your honering Steve Jobs death with a 3 day silence.

   When something bad happens you have 3 choices, You can either let it define you, let it destroy you, or you can let it strengthen you.

   Just spent some time manscaping. Planning to donate to 'Locks for Love'.

   We should be able to Text 911, you know, just in case you're hiding from a serial killer and can't talk.

   Should I wear my top up... or down ... or up... or possibly... tucked in?

   I cut a chunk out of my thumb at work today.HALF-DAY, BOOYAH!

   " IDK Google it " When your kid asks you a question you know nothing about.

   $1200 for a redbone hound pup....fn puppy pimps!!!

   2 THINGS THAT DON'T MIX - Me and my ex

   Lets Be Honest, slow internet, is worse than bad sex.

   I don't want to hear you complain that you can't afford basic cable when you play $20 a week on the Lotto.

   This laundry detergent says I get 20oz free, but the cashier says I still have to buy the whole bottle. :(

   Just because your neighbors aren't on vacation doesn't mean you still can't go through their mail.

   Trying to explain to my blackberry with the death of Mr. Jobs that usually we take a MOMENT of silence not DAYS!!