Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My question: how did that monkey in Zanesville get herpes in the first place?!

   Can someone let Zanesville, OH know they still have 1 wild animal on the loose!! I think they call him Barack Obama........

   I'm damaged but I'll manage.

   Sex without love is merely healthy exercise.

   If gay people are fruity, then straight people are veggies and bisexuals are tomatoes.

   I failed my Health and Safety class test today. Apparently, when they ask you,"In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "F**kin' large ones" is not the correct answer.

   It would be weird if you walked into your living room and chris hansen told you to take a seat.

   It's sad that we don't truly appreciate a person until they die.

   If you had asked me a year ago, “what do think is more important, the Cheese or the Cracker?” I would have said “Cheese”, all day…But now, I've come to the realization, that the cracker plays an equally pivotal roll for this prominent combinat

   When I hear a dumb, young, donkey say "I Ain't Scared to go to Jail!" That let's me know he's never been there.

   I wish my grass was Emo, so it would cut itself.

   Wondering if the inventor of the remote was clever or just lazy.

   Cellphones have made hide and seek meaningless now.

   Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

   Remember when someone would say "Get off the phone so I can use the internet" ?

   My neighbors listen to some excellent music. Whether they like it or not.

   If you're not working on trying to be mine, then you shouldn't be worrying about who's consuming my spare time.

   Sometimes I wish to hear words from you that I used to hear when we started dating.

   Don't let anyone ever make you feel like you don't deserve what you want. Never apologize for your impeccable taste and high standards.

   If there was a zombie apocalypse, I would get eaten about halfway thru updating my facebook status about it.