Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Who said money can't buy class ? And also a trident large enough to poke the Red Devils royally in their own back yard....Gory Gory Man United.

   it's not that I don't go Church because I don't believe a God. I just don't go because I have trouble believing in the concept of a God who makes a note of who does go to Church.

   Manure United 1 - 6 Man City (No prize for guessing who the b!tch was in that match)

   If friends could be bought at the store, I'd have gotten a good deal on mine, because those “slightly irregular” bins are always discounted

   ↖↖↖↖↖↖↖↑↗↗↗ ↗↗ ↗ ←←Fake people everywhere→→ ↙↙↙↙↙↙↙↓↘↘↘ ↘ ↘ ↘

   Wow, it's beautiful outside. I should probably do something. Like close the blinds so there isn't a glare on my screen.

   I believe in whatever makes me happy without making other people sad. That's my religion.

   Don't take what life gives you and frown, take what life gives you and smile because you know you can make the best of it.

   I hate the term chubby chaser, fat chicks don't run.

   Always smile and laugh in spite of your problems because this is the only life you will ever have and your problems won't matter anymore when you are dead.

   You don't necessarily need to be in a church on Sunday to find and talk to God. You don't necessarily have to make an appointment to see the Lord. God is always with you, no matter where you are, no matter what day of the week it is.

   I stopped drinking about you an hour ago.

   An old man sent his wife out whoring to make money and she only came back with $7.05. He said, "'who's the cheap SOB who gave you the nickel"? She said, "they all did"...

   Life's short... Find someone to spend it with

   3 out of 4 of my personalities say my medication is working fine.

   Roses are red violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic and so am I.

   Redneck word - Aspect: she got done skinny-dippin', passed out on that deck chair, and had her aspect by a woodpecker.

   Stop, drop, and roll isn't just an effective fire safety tip, but it is also an interesting way to get out of a boring conversation.

   Buying someone flowers is kind of a weird idea. Like: Hey, these are for you, now watch them slowly die, because I love you.

   Being a doctor is exciting than being a dentist, because if someone gets sick or is having a baby on a plane.You can help them & be the hero. But if you're a dentist, I doubt this ever happens: OH GOD THIS PERSON HAS A CAVITY! IS ANYONE HERE A DENTIST!?