Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When white girls become 16 and pregnant, they get their own show "16 and pregnant" ...black girls go to Maury

   Some people need to realize that having fat on their bodies doesn't make them fat - it makes them alive.

   The BEST can't find you until you put the WORST behind you.

   Life is short, live it. Love is rare, grab it. Anger is bad, dump it. Fear is awful, face it. Memories are sweet, cherish them.

   The Less people you deal with, the less problems you will have.

   I'm a murderer, I killed my old self.

   I wonder who's forehead would win in a head-butting contest between Tyra Banks and Rihanna?

   instead of watches, Timex should make hearts..."takes a cheatin & keep on beatin...takes a dumpin & keep on pumpin

   Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo

   My wife thinks I'm at work. My boss thinks I'm home sick. These ducks think I'm awesome because I have the bread.

   When someone I like deletes me, I think "Why? What did I do?" Then I eat real food, have real sex and high five real people I actually know.

   You know those people that you have to explain every joke to? Let's kill them.

   4 hour naps suck! I don't even know whether it's daytime still or night time already...

   let's be honest half of us didn't even know who Steve Jobs was until he died...

   congratulations Vodka man! You've just been named public enemy number 1 in a matter of 10 minutes...

   There is perhaps nothing more annoying then listening to a great song on Youtube and decidding to vote up a comment you agree with, only to be taken away from the video to a login page prompting you for your username/password.

   If you think about it Johnny Bravo would be perfect for Jersey Shore.

   Asked my teacher if I was interrupting. She said, "No, I'm just grading some cheese!!"

   It's annoying when you think of an awesome idea or thing to do and within the next few minutes, you completely forget what it was, but the memory of how awesome it was stil lingers..

   If you're a midget, and you don't dress up as a leprechaun and hand out chocolate gold coins for Halloween, you're just being selfish!