Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My girlfriend is gorgeous, selfless, graceful, highly intelligent and looking over my shoulder as I type.

   Hey Vi@gra, you have a real competition for curing the erectile dysfunction... it's called divorce.

   I love Facebook, it makes me feel kinda normal after reading about all of YOUR problems. Thanks people, and thank you Facebook...

   For the last f*cking time, this is the first time I'm seeing this movie and we started watching it at the exact same moment. I don't know the answer to your question.

   Don't get me wrong, I respect the Amish. What I really wonder is what invention a long time ago caused an entire group of people to go "No! No more technology for us."

   It's no wonder I am claustrophobic.I like fresh air, open space & my head out of my a$$....Unlike slow drivers in the fast lane driving w/the blinker on for miles :(

   If we all band together and don't show up for work tomorrow, we could put an end to this 'wake up on Monday' nonsense once and for all. Spread the word.

   This girl last night claimed that she'd rather perform oral sex on a diseased monkey than go out with me. Well, she's in luck, 'cause I've got a friend who works at the zoo, and he owes me one...

   Wives are funny creatures. They won't have sex with their husbands for weeks but then they want to kill the first woman who does.

   Highways need 4 lanes per side - A NASCAR wannabe lane, a normal driver lane, an old people who drive 40 in a 70 lane, and a "Where in the hell am I?" lane.

   Roses are red, Facebook is blue. You look bangable, so I'll add you.

   You ever check your weight before and after you sh!t? I tried it and I gained weight. I think I did something seriously wrong.

   Yeah, I felt bad rejecting her friend request on Facebook, but come on! Isn't it enough that I'm in a relationship with her? Now I got to be her friend too?

   Yeeeehaaaaaw! I just won the Rolling Office Chair Derby!!! Crossed the finish line backwards while giving my opponents the double bird.

   If Her Legs Aint Never Shook Or Locked Up On Ya, Yu Aren't Doing It Right!

   I want to live my life like a fly, pester as many people and get into as much sh!t as possible before I die.

   ↖↖↖↖↖↖↖↑↗↗↗ ↗↗ ↗ ←← Fake people everywhere→→ ↙↙↙↙↙↙↙↓↘↘↘ ↘ ↘ ↘

   Insecurity is an ugly thing, it makes you hate people that you don't even know...

   You know your ass is ugly when you're the one always asked to take the photo

   If all he wants you for is ur Breast,Legs and thighs send him to KFC. Ur a lady,not someones cheap value meal