Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think as many hours as I put in I should be able to put fantasy football team owner on my resume

   status by rating needs a month or week time limit selection

   Who is this Harold Camping retard? Why do people pay him and his mental illness so much attention? Why isn't he locked up in a loony house with other loonies?

   Part of me thinks I get angry easily, the other part wants to beat the crap out of it for thinking that.

   survived Harold Camping predictions...

   I just saw a guy getting head in a phone booth. I couldn't believe it what I was seeing...I haven't seen a phone booth in years!

   Anyone else get that odd sense of victory when your fart causes someone to open the car window in the middle of a thunderstorm??

   There are only 4 words that end of argument. Face down, Ass up.

   Turkey Bacon: Cause you suck at life.

   Uggs: Helping men to identify lazy women sonce 2004.

   OK........this is like the third Harold Camping rapture that I've been left behind and frankly it's starting to hurt my feelings : (

   OR you could go for the gay approach...."One man's junk is another man's treasure"

   If I were working 4 the turkey bacon industry I would put a giant pig sculpture made entirely out of turkey bacon in Times Square.

   I have Pinocchio nipples. When I tell a lie, they poke out.

   When a serial killer sees their victim is getting away, they should just shout"you're on scare tactics!" and then catch up and shank them.

   FACT: 87% of all tweets are just slightly re-worded Bon Jovi lyrics.

   Over 10,000 birds a year die from smashing into windows. They must still be using XP.

   As long as Mario is around, Luigi will forever be in the Friend Zone with Princess.

   My friend said nacho cheese dip isn't an authentic dish to bring to this Oktoberfest party, so I guess I'll draw some swastikas on the jar?

   It's not that we're anti-social, it's just that our phones got more interesting than human interaction.