Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   UGGS: The onomatopoeia of footwear.

   The word "Scone" perfectly describes what it is.

   Mr Patel kicked me out of Dunkin donuts for telling customers the healthiest part of a donut was the hole.

   Giraffes are kinda like periscopes for themselves.

   Every time I see Nancy Grace on TV I imagine that somewhere there is a real journalist locked in a broom closet weeping.

   I really don't mind getting up and going to work every day. It's the part about staying there for 8 hours that I have a problem with.

   Just picked up a Rubiks cube, see ya in a couple years

   Hang on sugar.... Daddys got a sweet tooth tongiht!!!

   A Real Man doesn't love a million girls, he loves a billion.

   Don't you think it's time we stopped blaming our problems on people in our past and started blaming them on people in the future?

   If at first you don't succeed, you'll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn't succeed either.

   The thing that sucks about chilling with friends is that they see how much I stare at my phone & know how little I answer their texts.

   Dear Millionaires, if you don't have a bookshelf that spins into another room, give me your money because you're spending it wrong.

   will work for a status.

   In a perfect world, we would get paid by the amount of hours we sleep; and a bonus check for every time we have sex.

   Just ate a roast beef, ham, chicken, turkey, bologna sandwich topped with bacon...Just to piss Peta off.

   My son just spoke his first words to me: 'Dad, where the f**k have you been the last 20 years?!' It was so cute.

   Elementary math problems are 2 sided, "If I had 10 chocolate bars and I ate 9 of them, what would I have now?'" Oh, I don't know.. 1 big belly ache?!."

   It would be awesome to go back to kindergarten as a 5 year old with all the knowledge you currently have and completely dominate.

   2013: The year the movie 2012 will be moved from the action section to comedy.