Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Alabama has to use prisoners to pick crops since they scared the immigrants away. This explains the tear tattooed on my tomato.

   I was a bit upset when I first saw you with him, but as you got closer I laughed because he is so ugly.

   I always wonder what things went horribly wrong in someone's life that led them to buy a hotdog at 7-11.

   Ladies it's only fair of me to inform you, in case you are diabetic, that I'm sweet. Also, if you have food allergies, I have nuts.

   Political debates are great if you wanna watch idiots talk to us like idiots, to convince us that the idiot next to them is a bigger idiot.

   Well....Today IS THE DAY....... Time to pull out of the freezer.... the 5 bags of orange and black peanut butter flavored rocks that I got last November at Walgreens for 80% off..... Those pesky kid's teeth will NEVER know what hit them .....Bwhahahaha

   dear porche driver who pulled out infront at the last minute so I had to slam on the brakes dont forget next time il hit you and it will cost your more money to fix your car than mine

   For Halloween I'm going to write "Life" on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers

   If I was the richest person in the world...I'd trade it all in for a little more.

   Dear hot chick I just passed on the street- I wasn't looking at you, you were looking at me. Get over yourself!

   quietly ovulating.

   Every time a cat dies, somewhere out there "Curiosity" is high-fiving his buddies.

   I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

   You say I'm afraid of commitment, but maybe it's you that's afraid of total uncertainty.

   4 out of 5 midgets,,, make 2 people.

   I went to the paint store to get thinner... but I haven't lost any weight yet

   Don't judge a kindle download by it's jpeg cover page

   There are some people on Facebook who don't understand the difference between 'Whats on your mind?' And ‘I should probably see a therapist about this'

   I just heard that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie went and adopted Justin and Selena....

   Wishing everyone Happy Diwali (Festival of Lights) :)