Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It'd be really weird if animals were like pokemon in that they said their names instead of making sounds. So instead of going "Meow" a cat would walk around going "CAAAAAAT CAAAAAT! CATCATCATCAT!"

   Somewhere out there, someone is lying in the wet spot right now.

   ↖↖↖↖↖↖↖↑↗↗↗ ↗↗ ↗ ←← my friends are awesome →→ ↙↙↙↙↙↙↙↓↘↘↘ ↘ ↘ ↘

   You can really see a person's driving skills, on the way they handle the shopping cart

   You cant trust someone just because you want to ,either you do or you don't

   The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

   climbed a tree yesterday and fell... I've finally matured!

   Sometimes I wake up grumpy, and sometimes I let him sleep!

   if people are trying to bring you down it only means you are above them

   Guys who wear skinny jeans: Why do you keep hitting on girls? You've already gotten into their pants.

   My girlfriend is gorgeous, selfless, graceful, highly intelligent and looking over my shoulder as I type.

   Hey Vi@gra, you have a real competition for curing the erectile dysfunction... it's called divorce.

   I love Facebook, it makes me feel kinda normal after reading about all of YOUR problems. Thanks people, and thank you Facebook...

   For the last f*cking time, this is the first time I'm seeing this movie and we started watching it at the exact same moment. I don't know the answer to your question.

   Don't get me wrong, I respect the Amish. What I really wonder is what invention a long time ago caused an entire group of people to go "No! No more technology for us."

   It's no wonder I am claustrophobic.I like fresh air, open space & my head out of my a$$....Unlike slow drivers in the fast lane driving w/the blinker on for miles :(

   If we all band together and don't show up for work tomorrow, we could put an end to this 'wake up on Monday' nonsense once and for all. Spread the word.

   This girl last night claimed that she'd rather perform oral sex on a diseased monkey than go out with me. Well, she's in luck, 'cause I've got a friend who works at the zoo, and he owes me one...

   Wives are funny creatures. They won't have sex with their husbands for weeks but then they want to kill the first woman who does.

   Highways need 4 lanes per side - A NASCAR wannabe lane, a normal driver lane, an old people who drive 40 in a 70 lane, and a "Where in the hell am I?" lane.