Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What's up with the Mexican jokes, they are so lame! Come up with something better...LOL

   Q-What do you call a mexican on a riding lawnmower? A-Promoted

   I still don't like it when the cat brings back dead mice and voles, but at least at this time of year they act like cute little hand warmers as I clear them away!

   Why do mexicans have small stearing wheels?so they can drive with handcuffs on

   You cannot have a Zen garden with the little rake and sand if you also have a cat. Trust me.

   You can always tell the pessimist on a cruise ship. He's the one wearing a shark suit the whole time.

   Facebook...this generations Rubiks Cube.

   @(O_O)@ Monkey.

   When a relationship becomes too much work can you outsource it?

   Let's be sensitive this Halloween and not be rude. They are no longer "Ghosts", they are Apparition Americans.

   My lifetime ratio of bananas purchased to bananas eaten is running about 5 to 1.

   So judging by their response, most folks around here don't shave their pubes.

   Sometimes I like to get behind one of the empty registers at WalMart and wait till someone puts all their junk on the belt and then say, "Sorry, this register is closed."

   going to bed early cause I've got some awesoming to do tomorrow.

   When I was a child I performed on TV for a very short time. Mom came in the living room, saw me up on it, and made me get down though.

   I'm not saying you're lazy, but you should try out for “American Idle"

   Sadly, even a "Hello Kitty" shaped turd would probably sell on eBay

   Guy: I love u. Girl: Aww really? Boy: Yep, Its my favorite vowel.

   Wondering if your adopted because your the only sexy one in the family.

   If I am ever in the middle of a shooting, I will just lay on the floor and act like someone already killed me.