Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They should make haunted houses with genuine fears. For example: Eviction notices at every corner, very important final exams that you didn't study for, pictures of your parents naked, etc.

   "Rule #1 for surviving in Zombieland, CARDIO. When the virus struck, for obvious reasons, the first ones to go were the fatties. Poor fat bast-ards."

   zombies...when Theres no more room in hell the dead will walk the earth..

   handing out safe Halloween treats this year...1 condom & sample sized KY Jelly

   WIFE..is giving out free broom rides tonight

   thinks its rather strange that all the parents he's seen trick or treating with their children tonight have all been lard a$$es.... Who SERIOUSLY wants the candy here??!

   The kids are gonna be shtting themselves after trick or treating at my house tonight......Chocolate laxatives are the best.

   my android battery last longer than kim kardashians marriage

   Thought for the day . The most important letter in the world is U

   hitting my " like " button makes you ten times more attractive

   Kim Kardashian is filing for divorce. During this difficult time, the Kardashian family requests as much attention as possible.

   So when does "Kris Humphries Nightmare Divorce" begin shooting?

   While looking at porn, "Low Battery" appears . . .Challenge Accepted

   If Satan punishes the evildoers, wouldn't that make him a good guy?

   Imagine if those kids that built 'FROSTY' would of had 2 carrots that day.?

   ohhh ohh wait wait.lemme guess you're dressed up as a.......PROSTITUE??? :D

   Kim K is single again and the McRib is back... Black men are having the best week of their lives.

   I wish we could all legally divorce Kim Kardashian......

   I guess you cant turn a ho with a sex tape into a housewife.

   Kim Kardashian is filing divorce papers today. Is it proper etiquette for me to ask them to return the toaster I bought for them as wedding gift?