Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey Subway, just make everything 5 dollars forever and shut the hell up.

   If dogs wrote memoirs, they'd reveal their psychological problems came from having to wear Halloween costumes as puppies.

   you can't bring a water bottle on a plane because it could be a bomb... but thats ok, just go put it in that garbage can overthere

   maybe I need to re-think this ghost costume I'm wearing... I do live in the ghetto afterall

   i went to this halloween party dressed as a leaf blower. another guy came dressed as a leaf. needless to say, it was awkward

   just won 1st prize at the Halloween party for best costume which was male genitalia. I never even entered. I just went to pick up the wife and forgot to take off my bluetooth headset

   i heard a noise last night, so I got up and peered through the gap in the curtains and yep, sure enough, there she was just stepping into the bath.

   punched the devil in the face today :D or a kid in a costume, either way that motherfucker learnt not to come to my house asking for lollies :)

   My most meaningful conversations these days are with Siri

   Last women I hooked up with at the retirement home told me, "If you break it you buy it"! You know what that hip replacement cost me

   Farts are so funny...because you dont ever know what they're going to sound like.

   Ladies: Being attractive isn't a free pass to act like a witch.

   I say tomato, you say tomato. hahahahaha I know your laughing right now cuz you totally just read this with two pronunciations... lol

   thinking of stalking my stalker just to shake things up a bit

   One day I shall rule the World! Until then, I'm going to bed

   That yellow shirt looks good on you... It really brings out the color in your teeth.

   If you are single maybe it's not everyone else, maybe it's you!

   Why is it called Alcoholics ANONYMOUS when the first thing you have to do is stand and say “Hi my name is Tom and I am an alcoholic”.

   : No I have not gained weight, Your eyes just got fat

   handing out used motor oil, cottage cheese I left for out 3 days, Nick Punto Baseball cards, and Greek Bonds for Halloween tomorrow night. This should be the last year for a while that I have to deal with trick-or-treaters...