Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   As awesome as it would be, sadly the state farm jingle does not work for you unless you are doing a commercial :(

   When you have an enemy mad at you...they will break your bones. But if you have a friend mad at you.... they will break your heart!!

   Trojan just released a new camoflauge condom. Their slogan is, "She'll never see you coming!"

   I quit smoking by switching to sunflower seeds. Cured my smoking habit, but now I have a strange desire to want to sh!t on newspaper...

   My Friend blames my Immaturity for getting him arrested! I'm not Immature! Hehe, Don't Drop the Soap!

   Just found out "Groupons" are just coupons for Grey Poupon. If you try to redeem them for anything else at Walmart you will be arrested.

   What's sad is that December 22, 2012 falls on a Saturday, so you can't go to school and say "Oh, I thought we were all going to die, so I didn't do my homework".

   Eating Doritos while copying out my new weights routine. I am a mystery wrapped in an engma dusted in florescent - orange fake cheese powder.

   Sometimes girls try too hard for boys that dont even care....its kinda sad...girls nowadays are losing their self-respect...

   Either that chick was anorexic or the coatrack just got up & walked out of the room.

   It's so sad how some people only see the world as something to put on a resume or college application.

   I am a rare diamond, which you had previously mistaken for a very attractive piece of cut glass

   The only difference between me and much of the rest of the world is that I admit I'm crazy, whereas they are in denial.

   "A cook to spoon me, a crossing guard to hold my hand and a big girl to eat the food off my plate as well as hers", Lyrics so far to my hit single, "Wife Hunting"... still single

   I can specify your Kunta Kinte from here

   Ad on side of Facebook: "Interested in a masters in Philosophy?". A degree in philosophy is about as useful as a condom in Susan Boyle's bedside drawer. No thank you.

   Whoever decided to name this Halloween candy "fun" size is not someone I would care to party with. Just saying.......

   I wonder if fat drug dealers sell diet coke...?

   Time travel:: like if you think it be cooler to go back in time..thu-mb down if travel into the future..???

   standing outside with his pants down waiting for google earth to come take his picture.