Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Girls put lots of makeup on....cream..lip gloss...get hair and nails done. Guy's look at them and say,Wow, nice @SS

   A Happy Meal without a toy should be called a Sad Meal.

   China: 1.2 billion people. 50 last names.

   If McDonalds sold hot dogs you wouldn't be able to, with a straight face, order a McWiener and tell them to supersize it.

   I hate when my dog stares at me while I'm having sex. That's why I bang him from behind.

   Let's face it people... Slow an Steady NEVER wins the race... Whoever came up with that quote...Is a idiot!

   I assume a pretend apple a day keeps the honorary doctorate types away.

   Lions, Tigers, And Bears Ohhh My... God! They shot em' all!

   CNN News: Android users will soon be able to unlock their phones using facial recognition. *Not available in China

   Ugh stupid cold weather totally stole my idea to get a lot of attention today.

   My wife is leaving me because she says I'm a compulsive liar. I think she knows about me and Beyonce...

   FACT: Toilet paper is more useful than your precious college degree. At least an "a**hole" would always hire a roll for to pay off his "sh*t" not student loan debt.

   Burger King and Dairy Queen got together for a little in-N-out burger and had Carl's Jr. He sing's about old McDonald's farm, his favorite toy is Jack in the box and his favorite cartoon is sonic. He grew up and married Wendy and Taco Bells were ringing.

   The new McRib from McDonalds is basically just road kill smothered in Barbecue Sauce.

   Only at Mcdonalds do they say,"Sorry about your wait" and really mean "weight.",

   The human population is due to hit 7 Billion on Halloween.

   Going to McDonalds for oatmeal is like going to a prostitute for a hug.

   I bet the Super Size Me guy regrets not doing his McDonalds binge during the Monopoly promotion.

   just been named most witty friend on Facebook by J.D. Power and Associates.

   My roomate busted me masterbating in the shower, To play it off I said, I'll wash my d*ck as fast as I want too.