Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You;re so annoying you should have a SLAP named after you.

   Follow your brain. Your heart's a f*cking idiot.

   Sorry for your problems and I'll be there to listen to you, because you're a good person and by good person I mean you put out when you're vulnerable.

   You should always f*ck like all your exes are watching.

   I think as many hours as I put in I should be able to put fantasy football team owner on my resume

   status by rating needs a month or week time limit selection

   Who is this Harold Camping retard? Why do people pay him and his mental illness so much attention? Why isn't he locked up in a loony house with other loonies?

   Part of me thinks I get angry easily, the other part wants to beat the crap out of it for thinking that.

   survived Harold Camping predictions...

   I just saw a guy getting head in a phone booth. I couldn't believe it what I was seeing...I haven't seen a phone booth in years!

   Anyone else get that odd sense of victory when your fart causes someone to open the car window in the middle of a thunderstorm??

   There are only 4 words that end of argument. Face down, Ass up.

   Turkey Bacon: Cause you suck at life.

   Uggs: Helping men to identify lazy women sonce 2004.

   OK........this is like the third Harold Camping rapture that I've been left behind and frankly it's starting to hurt my feelings : (

   OR you could go for the gay approach...."One man's junk is another man's treasure"

   If I were working 4 the turkey bacon industry I would put a giant pig sculpture made entirely out of turkey bacon in Times Square.

   I have Pinocchio nipples. When I tell a lie, they poke out.

   When a serial killer sees their victim is getting away, they should just shout"you're on scare tactics!" and then catch up and shank them.

   FACT: 87% of all tweets are just slightly re-worded Bon Jovi lyrics.