Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Who cares about threats over the internet. You can't be a bada*s with a keyboard. Fighting online is like racing in the special olympics, even if you win you're still retarded.

   FUNNY T-SHIRT IDEA: "I survived another Harold Camping rapture prediction".

   When you have a " ■ " in the beginning of your status.... You're automatically an idiot..

   You know if you say gullible slowly it sounds like oranges

   My wife came home with a v!brator, started waving it about and screamed, "I don't need you now! I don't need you now!" But guess who had to put the batteries in?

   "I would of still be in High School if Google didn't exitst"

   I like, likeing the quotes everybody hates:)

   ■When you take an amazing picture you automatically think: “That will be my new profile picture”.

   ■The day Facebook adds a “Who cares?” button would be the best day ever.

   ■Nothing is forever. Especially people. Don't have your hopes high, Friends become strangers, Lovers become friends, & People leave.

   Announcing that you need to pee just because it feels necessary.

   Lets run away together ... LOL, jk I have asthma!

   It's fascinating that a creature can begin as a caterpillar and end as a stepped-on caterpillar

   you know your day is bad when your coffee makes you tired

   If I have a baby girl..I'm going to name her "Charity" Then I will be able to hold fundraisers in her name...not to mention the tax breaks.

   I hate it when one of my favorite songs is out of my vocal range..

   why I'm single: ☑ I can't date the Internet. ☑ I can't date my favorite celebrity. ☑ I can't date myself. ☑ I can't date music.

   3 words 8 letters That lead to instant popularity... "I HAVE GUM"

   I eat the food on my plate in order from least favorite to most favorite

   Girls get so weird when you ask them to make a wittle baby in their tum tum... still single