Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bet if you put bacon bits on a bacon strip, you could travel back in time

   There's a new unit of measure which measures 72 days - a Kardash.

   How's everyone holding up? It's crazy out there! I've killed, like, 15 zombies already! How come they are all holding candy?

   We ignore those who need us and need those who ignore us....

   Be a lady's man, not a ladies man.

   Candy companies need to learn that making a candy bar and eighth of its original size does not make it "fun sized," it just makes more wrappers to throw away.

   A good drinking game; watch Wheel of Fortune and do a shot for every time they applause.

   What's this I hear about some 19 year old girl getting Justin Bieber pregnant?

   I would enjoy my trip to the dentist's more if I could figure out why it is necessary to remove my pants for a checkup.

   it weird after having a McRib I'm craving watermelon and Red Kool-Aid!?!

   Son: "Dad, can you write in the dark?" Dad: "Uh, I think so, why?" Son: "I need you to sign my report card."

   If and when you decide to speak super nonsensical philosophy, Make sure you get the grammar right.

   A King without a Queen is still a King.

   If money is the root of all evil, why do they ask for it in churches?

   I just discovered that if you slap the word "phobia" next to any other word, you can be afraid of pretty much anything.

   My thoughts should be ashamed of themselves.

   There's a fine line between entertaining and irritating.

   remember in grade school when we used our finger to spray away the cooties from a chair?

   Pat's Wednesday entertanment..... Giving several extra flushes when I hear someone in the stall on their cell phone.........

   If you can't live without me, Why aren't you dead yet?