Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You can post about your love of god on facebook all you want, but *I* remember your love of going down on random guys at frat parties. Amen.

   Now I know why women get so pissed about the toliet seat being left up...MAN! That toliet water is cold!

   Wanna show your wife who's boss? Get her a mirror.

   Sorry, dear. It appears ninjas ate all of our Halloween candy.

   On Facebook, people respect you for sharing your deepest secrets and flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.

   I bet we all look like a bunch of damn idiots to aliens.

   I had a bad day: I need a drink I had a good day: I deserve a drink Blah Blah something something: Let's have a drink

   I'm sitting in my car in the parking lot. I can't go back in the office because I had bacon for lunch and my b0ner hasn't gone down yet.

   Only 64 more cartons and I get my FREE Marlboro casket!

   If there is one thing I learn from every mistake is I'll never get caught that way again.

   No matter what's happening there's always part of me that would rather be taking a nap. And drinking.

   All this learning to share crap when I was a child seems redundant when I'm supposed to have a monogamous relationship as an adult.

   Whenever I see a grown man on a bicycle, I can't help but think DUI.

   Why is it when I press 1 for English when calling "Tech Support"... I get someone that doesnt even speak f*ckin english!!!

   The more Marilyn Monroe quotes a girls Facebook has, the more likely she'll suck your d!ck for validation.

   always a groomsmen, never sober

   Had to take a drug test on my lunch break for my life insurance policy, the lady told me that I passed and asked me why I look so angry, I told her that my dealer has some explaining to do now....

   Some president once said "It's the economy stupid"...But I say "It's the government Dumb@$$"

   Some president once said "It's the economy stupid"...But I say "It's the government Dumb@$$"

   Leftover Chinese food makes a damn fine breakfast.