Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My girlfriend would be a great success on the Parole Board. She never lets anyone finish a sentence.

   Anybody looking to trade some Nerds for a few Almond Joys?

   Life and beer are very similar........chill for best results.

   Taking my tripwire down now, it was a blast watching tick or treaters faceplant on my porch!

   It's trick OR treat, kid. Now pick a damn card!

   A man stopped me in the street today and asked me the quickest way to a hospital, so I pushed him under a bus!

   Ladies, you are delusional if you think you can give me a handjob better than I can.

   Kris Humphries parents probably took him out Trick or Treating last night to get his mind off things.

   Fellas: You are delusional if you think you can eat pu$$y better than a lesbian.

   That uneasy moment when someone is getting accused and taking some heat for something you did.

   Look to the left. Now look to the right. I just virtually b!tch-slapped you.

   Dear sneeze, If you're gonna happen, happen. Don't put a stupid look on my face and leave.

   God has a habit of changing nobodies into somebodies.

   You never know what you have... until the test result come out.

   Sex with altar boys? Nun for me, thanks

   Who the hell is Kim Kardashian and why should I care?

   For Halloween I went as a Republican: I bent them over and screwed them and they didn't even know it.

   Halloween. When guys dress up like the psychos they actually are. And girls dress up like the sluts they swear they aren't.

   Cop to a hooker: What would your mother do if she seen you out here doing this? Hooker: She'd kill me, this is her corner.

   The 'unlike' button is the closest we are ever gonna get to a 'dislike' button.