Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   gf,, wants more romance,,Does anybody know where I can get a noble steed and an unrealistic amount of stamina?

   Dear Millionaires, if you don't have a bookshelf that spins into another room, give me your money because you're spending it wrong.

   For Halloween this year I'm gonna tie a potato to my junk and go as a dictator!

   It's kind of funny that Shakespeare invented the word "swagger."

   It's really annoying when you want to talk to someone, but you have a feeling that they don't want to talk to you.

   It must've been tough being a magician in the 15th century. "Is this your card?" "Burn him! Burn the witch!!".

   Waking up at 7:00 always seems better than waking up at 6:59.

   You usually don't care what other people are saying until they start whispering.

   #iwasntthatDrunk "Dude, you made your girlfriend a sandwich!"

   Some say a world without sin is ideal, but I disagree. After all, there's only so many problems which can be answered with cos and tan.

   Facebook should have a limit on how many times you can change your relationship status...After 5 it should default to 'Unstable'

   In Toy Story 3, if Andy was 17, that means that the toys stood there in silence while andy furiously masturbated.

   I would like to shove your keyboard so far up your A$$ , your stomach can PM your colon about up coming events .

   Air bags: my car's attempt of cheering me up after accidents by giving me surprise balloons

   Anything related to Halloween doesn't scare me. What scares me is when I flush someone else's toilet and the water keeps rising

   Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you

   When People Say, "When I Was Little I..." And I'm Just Sitting There Awkwardly Like, "I Still Do That"....

   The Feeling You Get When You're Paying For Something And Can't Find Your Money...

   When Someone Asks For Candy That I'm Eating, I Give Them The Flavor I Don't Like

   In bed it's 6am, you close your eyes for 5 minutes, its 7:45. At school it's 11:30, you close your eyes for 5 minutes, it's 11:30