Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.

   Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.

   My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year

   My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.

   A cashless society was predicted in the Bible. It was written in the Book of Visa.

   Wanting to watch OANN for the truth is like eating donuts for weight loss.

   What's longer: a microwave minute or a treadmill minute?

   I think I am going to get a Dr's lab coat and post a video on how to treat Covid with my credentials being "A bunch of my family are Dr's, so that makes me qualified".

   Does anyone know if Santa will be sending out a progress report?

   Dear Baseball, Six innings is plenty.

   I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.

   Someone threw a jar of mayo at me...I was like, "what the Hellmann"?

   if this 2nd stimulus goes through, I want this payment in pennies so I can swim in it like Scrooge McDuck

   Has somebody tried giving 2020 a Snickers?

   I don't get the lowest common denominator mentality of FB groups. Someone posts something thought provoking and gets no attention. Someone else posts "What's better, a Whopper or a Big Mac?" and they ago berzerk answering.

   Geez I shouldn't have clicked on that flying drone ad as now my news feed is filled with a million different kinds of drones for sale :/

   I guess COVID is now spreading into the fish population. Apparently a bunch of marlins have it.

   Oh baby, I can't wait to get you alone and see what you look like without a mask

   My dog is LAZY. Instead of chasing cars, he just lies on the front porch and writes down the license plate numbers. 🐶

   A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 60 and I still don’t know.