Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We are gonna have to retire the phrase “avoid it like the plague” because it turns out people don’t do that.

   Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.

   Nurse: strip down to your underpants Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*

   I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.

   Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.

   My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.

   My entire work day has just been me moving the mouse so the screen doesn’t go to sleep.

   NBA players support China despite violating the human rights of its citizens but protests when a thug gets what he deserves...

   My mouth was numbed and I licked all over my orthodontist’s finger thinking it was my gums so now I can never go back and will have braces forever

   Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search

   As we grow older, gravity becomes more and more evident. Things begin sagging, drooping and bouncing. It's still better than the alternative. No, I don't mean death. I mean f@t going up.

   Attention! Due to the extremity of Hurricane Laura's sustained winds, the States of Texas and Louisiana have just issued a toupee' alert.

   Maybe the1 million dollars in gofundme for Jacob Blake should be given to the 14 year old girl he raped instead.

   Stay tuned for Cardi B's next big hit: "MIPWYTTSI"... (My Itchy Pu$$y Wants Your Tongue To Scratch It.)

   How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”

   What if nobody was president and we all promised real hard to just be cool

   The Dems want everyone to vote by mail but Pelosi just called Congress back to DC so they could vote...

   I've been all across this nation Traveled by train, plane, bus and car And I've never met one person that makes zzz sounds when they sleep

   I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.

   I started wearing a mask before everyone started doing it, but then again I've always been a trendsetter like that.