Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every time a cat dies, somewhere out there "Curiosity" is high-fiving his buddies.

   I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

   You say I'm afraid of commitment, but maybe it's you that's afraid of total uncertainty.

   4 out of 5 midgets,,, make 2 people.

   I went to the paint store to get thinner... but I haven't lost any weight yet

   Don't judge a kindle download by it's jpeg cover page

   There are some people on Facebook who don't understand the difference between 'Whats on your mind?' And ‘I should probably see a therapist about this'

   I just heard that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie went and adopted Justin and Selena....

   Wishing everyone Happy Diwali (Festival of Lights) :)

   A pastor was caught by a fellow church member breaking into a church safe. The pastor shouted, “Blessed are those who see no evil, hear no evil and tell no evil” The fellow church member replied, "Amen, for they shall receive their equal share"

   What's the difference between Rick Perry and a bucket of sh!t?? The bucket..

   My neighbors always listen to deep-throat movies with the volume cranked up all the way...whether they want to or not !!

   a Guy to a Beggar: "I think you beg because you are just too lazy to find a job" Beggar: "I beg to differ"

   Being pretty doesn't mean sh!t if you are a ho.

   I guess in the shower Steven Tyler doesnt know how to "walk This Way: without falling down

   The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.

   I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did

   Pleas turn your mobile phone upside down now!!! Hurry 370HSSV 0773H

   ‎2 dyslexics run into a bank and shout "air in the hands mother stickers this is a f**k up!!!!

   You think 7 years for a mirror is bad try breaking a condom