Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just learned that spraying Febreze into my mouth to chase a shot of vodka causes me to say "Heavens to Betsy!" a lot while I do a crazy jig.

   People still talk about the Clinton sex scandal as if the meteoric rise and fall of the Sneaker Pimps wasn't the 90s drama du jour.

   I failed the emergency broadcast test. My apologies to all the employees I shoved to the ground while screaming "we're all gonna die!"

   Doesn't it sometimes seem like Dr Phil is doing an impression of Dr Phil?

   In Ashton Kutcher's defense, Demi Moore only lets him read the comic books Bruce Willis left at the house.

   Father Jim inspired me to confess with a lighter attitude. From now on, it's "Bless me, Father, these sins are gonna crack you up!"

   2013. The year when the movie 2012 will be moved from the action section, to comedy section.

   I hate it when I forget to turn my swag off at night and I wake up covered in b!tches.

   Tomorrow is 11/11/11. This day only comes once every 100 years so go out there and do something crazy and make it memorable.

   The only other thing more popular than Facebook's "Like" button is MySpace's "Delete Account" button.

   50,000 battered women....and i'm still eating mine plain

   Roses are Red, Violets are Blue. If he said he's busy tonight, the side chick is you.

   Wake & Bake People!!! Who wants a chocolate chip muffin?!?

   jacob to bella, 'what does he have that I dont have', bella says 'shiny disco balls'

   my 2 yr old nephew said he wants to see poosy and booobs,.. I said huh? oooohh puss and boots!

   Happy 236th Birthday to my fellow Marines .. Semper Fi .

   Can we get some National Guardsmen from the Kent State area to Penn State ASAP?

   not addicted to cocaine, he just likes the way it smells.

   Ladies: Don't ever cry when it's over, be grateful that you dodged that bullet and laugh at what the next b!tch has to put up with.

   Shoot for the moon.Even if you miss,you'll land among the stars...Or you will be sucked into a black-hole and never heard from again.