Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you make a wish at 11:11 on 11/11/11 it will come true. Provided that your wish was to waste seconds of your life

   Vodka is the drink of feelings. Whiskey is the drink of revenge against feelings. I'll take one of each, please.

   Got a little frosting on the iPad and long story short now playing Angry Birds with my tongue.

   We live in a world where dates like 11/11/11 make people happy :|

   If you speak in third person… it is safe to assume you are talking to yourself as no one wants to hang out with a douche bag.

   I like my women like I like my turtles. Helpless when they're on their back.

   Retired members of the House/Senate get $174k for life. Our veterans get 10% unemployment & a pat on the back. I need to go throw up now.

   Happy Veterans Day! Sending out my gratitude to all those, past and present, who have the courage and drive to do something about the world's problems…. So basically, all those completely unlike me.

   A guy broke into my house last week, he didn't take the TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels. Sick Nut.....

   I want to have 4 children, and name them Eeny, Meeny, Miney, and Mo

   All dyslexics rejoice! For today is your day! 11/11/11 yppaH

   They joined for many reasons, to march, to sail, to fly. They went where they were posted but nobody joins to die. Their leaders talk on TV what else could we have done? But those leaders lost no daughters and none has lost a son. So heres to all our sold

   I don't need anger management... I need people to stop talking to me when I wake up.

   Being in prison and being married are alike in many ways except in prison there is a lot more sex.

   Allow me to explain marriage to you non-married people: You know how some people have friends with benefits? It's the complete opposite of that.

   Ladies: guys don't care if the carpet matches the drapes as long as there is no rug on the back porch.

   When you say "everything happens for a reason" and I kick you in your face... The reason is because you said that.

   If a stranger in a bar has never bought you a drink you are probably ugly.

   Wow the liquor store clerk just said he's worried about me. I think it's time for a change. To a less judgmental liquor store.

   The reason I don't play Scrabble online, is that I can't throw the tiles at the person who beats me.