Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   With all these gold diggers coming forward, Herman Cain's got a long road to "HOE".

   I learned no matter how much your friends pressure you, you must never snort lines of curry powder.

   1 female smurf, 50,000 boy smurfs, no wonder they all had blue balls

   garlic burps are sexy.

   The sex was getting really hot...until he pulled out his Yoda pillow...

   Today, this weird girl started texting me. I really didn't want to talk to her, so I texted back, "This message could not be delivered because of a temporery network setup error. Error 2128-226110." She replied, "You spelt temporary wrong."

   If my boyfriend doesn't stop snoring I'm going to fart in his face.

   The Jackson's said yesterday's that the Dr. Murray verdict ends a sad chapter in their lives. ...And then they remembered that they're all still related to Tito...

   Just curious and not really sure why people like goin to strip clubs...you realize you're paying a girl to pretend to be interested in you?... :)

   something to mark their territory. I mean if someone peed on something most people would be like, "Eww, okay. That's yours now."

   When a package says "easy open" I end up using scissors, knife, hammer, gun and a lightsaber.

   Here is a quick math lesson for NBA players...50% of $1 billion is a lot more than 52% of nothing!

   customers get on my nerves, if you gotta wait on a line wait !...."open up another register" If you at a red light you don't tell the police to open up another red light do you? wait you turn!

   Well, obviously we have a Santa in the North Pole. He's climbin' down yo chimney, droppin' yo' presents off Bringin' cheer so ya'll need to hang the stockings, deck the halls, and leave some cookies cuz he's visiting errrybody out there.

   A Priest a Rabbi and a Penn State Football Coach walk into a bar....

   If women that like younger men are cougars are older men that llike young men Nittany Lions?

   It's amazing the things you'll do while procrastinating; it's almost anti- procrastination. It's like "Well, I just re-read all 7 Harry Potter books learned fluent German and mastered the ability of knife throwing... But I still didn't start that essay"

   2012 doesn't mean the end of the world. It just means its time to buy a new Mayan calendar...that's how a f*cking calendar works. It ends.

   Ghetto people are always naming their kids after things they can't afford... Mercedes, Diamond, Pearl, Car Insurance.

   I had my family tree done… turns out I'm a quarter gay on my father's side.