Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Before you send me an invite to your event, please familiarise yourself with my diva demands.

   My Wife and I have a beautiful little girl who we named after my Mom, in fact Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 5 tomorrow

   I want to donate a large amount of money to a rape clinic and I won't take "No" for an answer.

   i ran into friends at the bar last night, but they understood because I was drunk

   dear google, please stop acting like my girlfriend and finishing my sentences and guessing what i`m searching for

   joining the 'Occupy' movement tonight. My rear end is going to OCCUPY a bar stool to watch the Eagles vs. Cowboys and my stomach is going to be OCCUPIED by some beer!

   I'm getting use to the straight jacket, but this typing with your tongue is such bullsh*t!!

   I asked what she wanted and she said "surprise me". So I did her sister.

   ...sorry...it's is hard to pay attention when I wasn't listening

   I am having the best day of my life and I owe it all to not going to church!!!

   if you're happy & you know it, shut the hell up.

   It looks like my town's Home Depot is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween ,,,,,,, Really?

   I guess one reason why a person may take you for granted, is because you give way too much way too soon.

   Seen a couple jogging this morning, he had on black leotards and a black hoodie, not far behind she had white leotards and a white hoodie,. I couldn't help but grine reminded of the old comic strip spy vs spy

   Listen here, people trying to figure out a "healthy snack" to give to trick or treaters. You cut that s*** out *right* now.

   I love Halloween because it's the only night of the year I may end up getting drunk with Batman and going home with a cheerleader.

   When I was a kid, I didn't think humans could move their feet like Fred Flintstone. That is until that time the Ice Cream truck passed my house without stopping.

   People with dreadlocks either love weed or hate showers.

   3 words, 8 letters Say it and I'm yours. "I got food."

   Remember that cute little girl in the Cindarella outfit on Halloween ten years ago..yeah, she turned into a slut.