Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   don't hug a football fan, give him a pat on the buttocks

   are you shaking your head in disgust or are you trying to jumpstart your brain

   now friends with the couch

   I can't believe that I don't care WHO is viewing my profile!!!

   I for one, do not have the moves like Jagger

   the 7 deadly sins? ummmm....male camel toe, double dipping, backseat driving, gossiping, donkey punching, stink and not having a bell on your bike

   tight end, stuck him, up the middle, sacked him, ball deflected, ball returned, flag is thrown, challenge, incomplete, 2 minute warning, holding, TOUCHDOWN......gotta love Football

   I didn't change; you just never took the time to know me at all.

   going to watch the Tom Brady bunch teach Big Ben that no means no

   if a quiz is quizzical, what's a test!!

   If a lawyer and your mother-in-law were drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go watch TV or just have a drink?

   hates being called handsome. If a twosome is s*x between 2 people, threesome being s*x between three people, etc...then you get my point!

   a train station is where trains stop. A bus stations is where buses stop. Yes you could call this my workstation...

   how long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom door you`re on.

   Trusting a dog to watch your food is like trusting me to babysit your girlfriend.

   I LOVE beating women... ...to the door so I can hold it open for them

   When your girlfriend asks you "Do I look fat?", the correct response is "Do I look stupid?"

   Its so cold outside that my neighbor gave me the mitten this morning instead of the finger

   When a couple is so much in love, they are called LOVE BIRDS. When a couple always argues and fight, they are called ANGRY BIRDS.

   Sometimes you gotta give them candy...