Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I drank an energy drink so if anyone needs help packing, pushing your car to a gas station or shaking the leaves off your trees let me know.

   My ex was really into erotic asphyxiation. And by "erotic asphyxiation" I mean he was fat and I couldn't breathe.

   My favourite pastime is planting sex toys at yard sales in nice neighborhoods, then sitting back to watch the magic unfold.

   Just invented a drink called the LESBIAN. All you do is mix two liquors

   One of my family members has just been diagnosed with Alzheimer's if only I could remember which one!!

   What the hell is everyone's deal with lemons? - Life handing out stuff

   My girlfriend and I weighed ourselves, then we had sex, and then we weighed ourselves again. Just as I thought... I'm doing all the f*cking work.

   I thought a friend said, "you should get a life." I replied "F**k you!" He explained that he actually said, "you should get a WIFE." My reply stayed the same.

   Q)Why do women have foreheads? A)So men have a place to kiss them after a Blow job

   Have you noticed that since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs anymore.

   When my ex yelled at me: "You'll never find anyone like me!" I just picked up a spade, winked and replied, "Neither will anyone else."

   I'm calling into work sick-of-this-sh!t.

   Who the puck names their kid Wolfgang?

   Your delusional,she wouldn't do you if your semen cured cancer!!!

   I try to hide the snacks I just ate by pushing the empty bag to the bottom of the trash.

   Went to the movies. There must have been 400 people. Most of them were not there to see the movie, but to compete in a popcorn box and chocolate wrapper rustling competition. Others came to cough.

   Want my opinion fine don't get mad when you hear what I say, if you want something sugar coated...eat a doughnut!!

   Time to clean my room: 50% listening to music & dancing around, 49% being lazy, 1% just standing.

   Everyone else has a nickname for their own butt, right?

   An asteroid has narrowly missed the Earth by 201,000 miles. Scientists have named it "Fernando Torres."