Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Halloween: The one day of the year where paedophiles get home delivery.

   just heard ET has announced "A Very Special Kardashian Divorce" special to air around Thanksgiving.

   Whoever convinced these singers that they can automatically crossover to acting must be shot.

   This is nothing but a sausage fest ~ guy working at Jimmy Dean

   Do people using Twitter Twick or Tweet today??

   Kim Kardashian just filed for divorce. She must not be aware that I'm in a serious relationship. I'll have to let her down easy

   I wanted to spice it up a little for Halloween this year...so I blacked out all the 'contains nuts' labels on the snickers bars. Trick or treat?

   I need a great woman or two or 3 good ones.

   You would think that the 4 page instructions/warnning packet for Adderall, would include narritive pictures.

   Treat me right or someone else will.

   I was asked it I ever experienced Paranormal activity. I replied " Yeah , my ex girlfriend ... she's possessed by the devil and every 20-25 days it got even worse !!!"

   Nobody likes coming to this gas station anymore because of all the stabbings, but those hardly ever happen before 5pm.

   If dogs wrote memoirs, they'd reveal their psychological problems came from having to wear Halloween costumes as puppies.

   I don't burn bridges. I just loosen the bolts a little bit each day.

   Be nice to your neighbors.. They're the only ones who'll know the difference between your good screams and your bad screams..Happy Halloween!

   me without you is like- pepsi without cans, pedophiles without vans, Jersey Shore without tans.

   Don't worry and stress too much over material things. Material things are good to have but they aren't everything. Have you ever seen anyone stuff a Bentley or a mansion in their casket and take it to Heaven?

   75% of my regrets involve hitting the "Send" button

   In some places in India it is cheaper to have sex with a prostitute than it is to buy a condom.

   Roman numerals. What are they good IV?