Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't you just want to write on some people's Facebook wall "you peaked in High School".?

   just put your "Big Girl Panties" on and deal with it!!

   I love my wife, and God bless her for packing my lunch. But when you whip out a fruit roll up on a construction site, you get looks!

   Tomorrow is 11/11/11 and after that we won't have another palindromic date for 11 whole days.

   If this day gets any longer I'm gonna have to take a second lunch..

   I wonder if Penn state is going to change there mascots name from the Nittany Lion, to the Penn state pedophiles?

   ☐ Single ☐ Taken ☑ Want Some Bacon

   "It's ok! I'm a professional." ---says me in pretty much any situation

   I got the early bird special at Denny's. Don't do it, these worms taste like poop..!!!

   Dear Antarctica: Have you lost some weight? Sincerely, global warming

   Just so we're on the same page, I'm on 137.

   Seeking other people's approval is disapproving yourself.

   Some cool ways to trick a woman into bed include "being kind," "making her feel special" & "showing her respect." They love that shi#t

   Dear keyboard, They may touch you, but they can't take their eyes off of me. Sincerely, monitor.

   Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn't do well in a hot car trunk all day.

   Lazy rule: Can't reach it. Don't need it.

   I know I am good,but I can be better!

   All these women dancing around with swiffers and vacuum cleaners ..having a blast ..sorry ladies no more crying about how hard you worked at cleaning the house.....I DONT BY IT...!!!!

   I'm going to open a store next to forever 21 and call it finally 22.

   "Dont worry the spider is smaller than you" Yeah? "So is a grenade!"