Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   off to the voting booth. Bigfoot prepare to get elected.

   eating a sexy ice cream cone.. it's like a normal ice cream cone.. only with me eating it.

   going to take a HOT shower.. it's like a normal shower..only with me in it.

   It's funny how guys are always looking for a Barbie, when most of them aren't Kens themselves.

   I have Park Place and Boardwalk from McDonald's Monopoly game. I don't play these stupid games, so if you want them inbox me.

   What's a burnt pizza, frozen beer & a pregnant girl have in common? In each scenario there was a DUMBASS who didn't take it out in time.

   bad sex is like bad pizza: you finish it anyways, but wish you would have went somewhere else...

   Studies have shown a daily BJ makes relationships last much longer. It's true, I took a seat and volunteered for these studies.

   You can take that tone of "here comes the shocking part" out of your voice. I've already guessed the ending.

   I fear that if the Mississippi "life begins at conception" bill passes, my army of tissue babies will rise up & take over the world.

   Every time I type "not" it auto-corrects to "Nottingham." I think I accidentally stole Robin Hood's iPad.

   if facebook was a school, I swear i'd have perfect attendance.

   Whatever you are, be a good at it. Even strippers have career goals.

   Serendipity - When an empty glass and a bottle of booze cross paths.

   If you suddenly find yourself unable to access some parts of my Facebook page, don't panic, it just means I have quarantined and placed your stalkin' a$$ on the RESTRICTED list. Thanks Facebook for this great new tool.

   Now Wit #MW3 bein released 2day.there will B an increase of snack n Drink consumption, Lack of Sleep n Angry Wives/GF's All Around The World

   If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. And if they refuse to be let go, get a restraining order.

   In the timeless words of Devoe and his confidants Bell & Biv. Never trust a big butt and a smile, that girl is poison.

   Never forget what someone says when they're angry. Apologies are given when people are sorry that others heard their unfiltered opinions.

   Be comfortable in your own skin, only serial killers are comfortable in other people's skin.