Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever someone asks, "you look familiar, where do I know you from?" I like to respond with, "Well do you watch porn...?"

   it me or does Herman Cain's latest accuser, Sharon Bialek, look like Stifler's mom?

   SORRY HATER I don't speak bulls**t; but, I do know sign-language now, read my middle finger.

   If you leave out Weight Watchers cookies I will burn your house down. - SANTA

   Don't do upon others what you wouldn't have them do upon you...well unless she ASKS you to put it in there.

   Growing old is a requirement, Growing up is an option..

   We are PERFECTLY, wrong for each other.

   Believe it or not WOMAN has MAN in it. FEMALE has MALE in it. SHE has HE in it. MADAM has ADAM in it, no wonder men always want to be inside a woman.

   A cat falls in a pool and a rooster laughs. Moral of the story...A wet pu$$y makes a c0ck happy..

   off to the voting booth. Bigfoot prepare to get elected.

   eating a sexy ice cream cone.. it's like a normal ice cream cone.. only with me eating it.

   going to take a HOT shower.. it's like a normal shower..only with me in it.

   It's funny how guys are always looking for a Barbie, when most of them aren't Kens themselves.

   I have Park Place and Boardwalk from McDonald's Monopoly game. I don't play these stupid games, so if you want them inbox me.

   What's a burnt pizza, frozen beer & a pregnant girl have in common? In each scenario there was a DUMBASS who didn't take it out in time.

   bad sex is like bad pizza: you finish it anyways, but wish you would have went somewhere else...

   Studies have shown a daily BJ makes relationships last much longer. It's true, I took a seat and volunteered for these studies.

   You can take that tone of "here comes the shocking part" out of your voice. I've already guessed the ending.

   I fear that if the Mississippi "life begins at conception" bill passes, my army of tissue babies will rise up & take over the world.

   Every time I type "not" it auto-corrects to "Nottingham." I think I accidentally stole Robin Hood's iPad.