Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not one to brag about my Press exposure but yes, it's true what they're saying in my local paper. I am selling my couch

   just wanted to bring this story to your attension meet lawn chair larry who attached baloons to his lawn chair and went up to 16,000 feet with a 6 pack of miller lite a pellet gun and some sandwitches where he flew around on his lawn chair for 14 hours lm

   I love deer season, Especially when I am driving alone in my Blazer , it's amazing how fast I purposely turn into a Comacazi pilot when I see a deer in the middle of the road-

   I'm at the point today that I'm willing to pee my pants if that means I can go home early.

   Excited about the post-Halloween sales on candy and razor blades

   Women that have strong handshakes kind of freak me out

   They should put a busy/engaged signal on the chat thingy so people can know I am already chatting to 10 other people.

   Most Fairy Tales begin with, "Once Upon a Time...” but mine starts with, "You ain't gonna believe this sh!t...”

   wishes that OJ would have caught my ex wife eating Nicoles beaver instead of Ron Goldman

   My girlfriend just told me she was going to break up with me if I didn't quit making Linkin Park references. but in the end it doesn't even matter

   I hate when you friend request a hot chick, then they add you and you're going thru their pics only to find out they look like Rosie O'Donnell at 75 years old coming off a thirty day drinking binge.

   Running around the office naked with the cat

   If it's your birthday in November, then you know your parents really enjoyed Valentine's Day.

   I wish I had a deity co-pilot. I don't even have an emergency contact.

   I dressed up as a gynecologist for halloween. I was Dr. Howie Feltercooch

   My Native American name would be "Tweets While Driving".

   Hello there, dear. I see that you've dressed up as Daddy Issues again this year. Allow me to help...

   When I think about snow, it's a lot like thinking about sex. I want to ride it, bask in its glory, & go down on it.

   My girlfriend would be a great success on the Parole Board. She never lets anyone finish a sentence.

   Anybody looking to trade some Nerds for a few Almond Joys?