Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They say animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming. Like the night before that last earthquake hit, our family dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona.

   can not think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they're dead.

   How did Jennifer Lopez become a spokesperson for Fiat? Unless she's there to compare which trunk has more junk, she should go back to singing (poorly).

   America, we are out of toilet paper.

   To celebrate my 666th tweet I'm going to sacrifice a virgin & bite the head off a chicken. AKA "sex behind KFC"

   Being bisexual is the ability to reach down someone's pants and be satisfied with whatever you find.

   Boys Cheat On Pretty Girls with Ugly Girls , Cause Ugly Girls Are Willinggg To Do Everything A Pretty Girl Won't !

   Just heard a story that teens are soaking tampons in alcohol to prevent parents from smelling it on their breath. Did they quit selling gum?

   Penn State University.......Pedophile U

   it just me or are Jerry Sandusky's excuses starting to sound just like Michael Jackson's excuses ?

   If my absence doesn't alter your life, then my presence has no meaning in it.

   Who knew Mr. T had an infomercial for the "flavor-wav oven" ... shouldnt they have gotten Flava Flav to do it?

   People that drive below the speed limit are the same people that are never invited to parties.

   I just went in the bath room, turned the light off and said Bloodymary three times....nothing....ok I'm going back in, this time I'm saying Coors-light 3 times.

   When you "ASSUME" you make an "ass" out of "u" and Melissa Etheridge

   If one teacher cannot teach every subject, then how come one student is expected to learn all the subjects.

   "never on schedule, because he's always online.

   Less than 2% of people polled believed former Penn State coach Jerry San-butt-sky's claims of innocence in an interview last night which makes him even less popular than male pole dancing among the American public!

   The only good thing about the fog, is you can pull off the road and piss without being judged by others.

   n't it weird to think that while you read this, Glenn Beck is somewhere crying right now?