Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You obviously dont know me very well. I'm smiling, and your not running...

   I seen a New Cartoon on MTV, The opening line was a kid telling his mom she smelt like Balls and Old Spice. Epic moment

   Dear Fox News, So far, no news about foxes. Sincerely, Unimpressed.

   A Dang Owl outside won't shut up... It keeps asking me "WHO"... I've said Mike Jones like 30 times

   Best part of living alone...clothing optional

   I love the looks that can only be shared with you and another customer in a grocery line

   hanging out with his cousin, Ahmed. Or as you know him Dave from AT&T customer services.

   When I'm watching a 3D movie I take the glasses off for a second to see the difference.

   Just got back from the gym. Well chuffed as they've got a new machine in. I only used it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot....

   just had a 4 course breakfast.....Three Bloody Mary's and an Egg McMuffin!

   Better late than pregnant.

   Just saw one my friends post a status saying "if you ♥ your FACEBOOK ;) #Likke".....Truth is no one really likes FB its just an addiction.

   Pitbull's videos = 10% music, 90% porn, 0% hair

   Ladies, it doesn't hurt to douche y'know

   Someone should make a TV game show called "Pregnant Or Not Pregnant?" and have contestants questioning fat girls for prizes.

   7% of all hearing loss is a result of sitting in a restaurant next to a table full of women who just received dessert.

   I was at the store, and there was an old lady looking at turkeys. She asked,"Do you think these turkeys will get any bigger closer to the holiday?" I said, "No." She asked, "Why?" I go, "Because they're dead."

   Am I the only person who does this? I'm always walking into my bathroom and finding the light still left on from earlier in the day, n yet I still grab the cord n switch the light off & on again!!

   If people could read minds and two people were reading each other's mind, so wouldnt they be reading their own mind reading the opposite mind reading their own mind reading the opposite mind ..............

   Q: What would happen if the earth rotates 30 times faster? A: Men would get their salary everyday and women would bleed to death.