Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A car hits a Jewish man. The paramedic rushes over and says, "Are you comfortable?" The guy says: "I make a good living."

   My grandfather is hard of hearing. He needs to read lips. I don't mind him reading lips, but he uses one of those yellow highlighters.

   A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy, he thinks he's a chicken." The doctor says, "Why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "We would. But we need the eggs."

   I know these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive.

   My brother was with two women in one night.he could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners!

   I showed up late for work today . The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" ,,, I replied "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

   TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. (

   They say animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming. Like the night before that last earthquake hit, our family dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona.

   can not think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they're dead.

   How did Jennifer Lopez become a spokesperson for Fiat? Unless she's there to compare which trunk has more junk, she should go back to singing (poorly).

   America, we are out of toilet paper.

   To celebrate my 666th tweet I'm going to sacrifice a virgin & bite the head off a chicken. AKA "sex behind KFC"

   Being bisexual is the ability to reach down someone's pants and be satisfied with whatever you find.

   Boys Cheat On Pretty Girls with Ugly Girls , Cause Ugly Girls Are Willinggg To Do Everything A Pretty Girl Won't !

   Just heard a story that teens are soaking tampons in alcohol to prevent parents from smelling it on their breath. Did they quit selling gum?

   Penn State University.......Pedophile U

   it just me or are Jerry Sandusky's excuses starting to sound just like Michael Jackson's excuses ?

   If my absence doesn't alter your life, then my presence has no meaning in it.

   Who knew Mr. T had an infomercial for the "flavor-wav oven" ... shouldnt they have gotten Flava Flav to do it?

   People that drive below the speed limit are the same people that are never invited to parties.