Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was asked to run a marathon & I said "No way". Then I was told it was for Down Syndrom & blind kids & I thought "Fack it. I could win that!"

   Any of you guys got a rope and a shaky chair which I could borrow for a sec?

   When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

   I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle

   Congress just passed a bill that would allow people to carry a concealed weapon from one state to another....In other words, my trip out of town for Thanksgiving just got a lot more interesting.

   My dog was licking his nuts. My friend said "I wish I could do that". I said "You better pet him first, he's kind of mean".

   You know you're irritated when somebody tells you to "have a nice day" and you respond with, "Don't tell me what to do!" -__-

   There is no angry way to say "bubbles"

   "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe." - Albert Einstein

   is it weird that one of my nuts is bigger than the other two?

   thankful that I have a job and can afford a nice Thanksgiving dinner and Christmas...and beer

   The way I see it...if that Snooki character can be perceived as hot, we ALL have a shot at the same distorted perception.

   I miss the good old days..when you could slam the phone down.!!

   Winners never quit! Quitters never win! But those that never win and never quit are idiots!

   Dear Vampires and Werwolves ..if your looking for virgins just go to your local cinema today for a Twilight showing and you'll have plenty to choose from.

   I hate it when Facebook doesn't trust me when sending out a friend request.

   If you're gonna have raw sex with the person you love so much, at least do it wearing the safest thing...A WEDDING RING!

   I'm not saying this plane is small & rickety but I'm pretty sure the crossword puzzle was filled out by the Big Bopper.

   I am not sarcastic – I am hilarious. I am not annoying – I am just cooler than you. I am not a jerk – I just don't like you.

   Dear Life, Please, use a Lubricant.