Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Telus: “Your call is very important to us, Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.” :(

   When people start a sentence with "Do you know what your problem is?" I interrupt and start telling them all my problems. They never expect that!

   The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I think this is the one time in his life, where he wishes she sent him for tampons!

   Today a judge sentenced Lindsay Lohan to 30 days in jail for violating her probation. Or as Kim Kardashian put it, “30 days? That's like four marriages!”

   Kim Kardashian is saying she regrets that she and basketball star Kris Humphries rushed into marriage. She said he should have gone the traditional route and released the sex tape first.

   Chinese Eye Emotions: sad (- -) happy (- -) angry (- -)

   Million Dollar Idea: Toilet paper with short stories on them.

   In my head the Burger King and the Dairy Queen are married. And they have children named Wendy and Ronald McDonald.

   What an alleged ‘drug dealer' said to the Judge, “Weed is not a drug, it's a plant. Therefore, I am not a dealer, I'm a Florist.”

   Yea, autocorrect, I meant "nymph" instead of "my phone" because I am a 16th Century poet.

   Great news for YOU , I found a prostitute that charges by the inch, I obviusly can't afford her but I figured I'd pass it onto you so you could enjoy a cheap night out

   if a guys internet history is cleared, please dont shake his hands...

   The length of your "About me" section on Facebook is directly proportional to how annoying you are in real life.

   I'm thankful I can scroll quickly through what everyone's thankful for.

   this Sunday we all get to travel back in time just like Marty McFly.

   My, what a lovely shade of slut you are wearing today!

   Some people spend so much time preaching to the choir..they forget to actually read the words. You are lying to yourself if you don't think you are the problem.

   Try an experiment..next time you are with your friends…see how long it takes before the conversation turns into talking about someone else…try it again as many times as you want..pay attention the results may open your eyes.

   If you can stay up all night and hoot with the owls then you can get your a$$ up and soar with tthe eagles in the morning

   I saw that Justin bieber has a 3 month old ...I just seen her yesterday on Ellen and she looks like she already lost all her baby fat!