Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you cant take care of a baby, than dont have a baby..

   Do you know why Californians love Thanksgiving Day?...It's the only time of year they get to see natural breast!

   what we mean and mean what we say.. Honesty is the only way!

   My tweets have been squeaky clean today. Like a French woman's cute little petunia after a visit to the bidet!

   Now taking holiday orders for my homemade body butter. Please sign the release form stating that you are not allergic to Krazy Glue.

   The best thing about an ultrasound photo is you can tag any guy you've had sex with in it and he'll think you're pregnant & that's his baby.

   Los Angeles hasn't changed me. I still put on leather pants one leg at a time.

   Not sure why there isn't a Williams sister sitting on my face right now.

   My thoughts are strangers with rides and I keep getting in.

   Just overheard two foodies debating the best way to make Thanksgiving gravy. It was like my ears were being waterboarded.

   Some dude told me that there is no resolution to war. The only way to settle conflicts is through verbal debate. After an hour of "verbally debating" the issue, I punched him in the face and swiftly brought resolution to the matter.

   Man get of the couch and do something with your life. Christ even eggs get laid!

   My Best Relationship Advice: Make Sure You're the Crazy One...

   I'm only rude when I have to be. And when the situation calls for it. And when I'm hungry. And when you're hungry. And when the weather is nice. Sometimes when it's raining. Other times when it's not raining. Always on Mondays, Wednesdays & Fridays and...

   I bet Sandusky is having issues sleeping, maybe he should call Dr Conrad Murray.

   Did you hear about the woman who liked it in the ear? Everytime you try to put it in her mouth she'll turn her head...

   You know you're talented when you can untangle your headphones in the dark

   I love it when I drop my iPod and my headphones save it's life!

   The feelings I used to get when I was in relationships at age 13 were the best, now they're just dreadful

   Dont you hate it when somebody turns on the light to wake you up and you're just like -_o