Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Swallowing pride never choked anyone

   Sometimes it's more important to be human, than to have good taste.

   Experience is a good teacher, but it comes at a high price.

   Steelers menu tonight: 4 & 20 black (dirty) birds baked in a pie!

   accidentally touched a woman's backside so she gave me a look and said "Prick", so I poked her!

   Seriously! How do they train the animals look so sad in those ASPCA commercials? They are convincing.

   The fun thing about Facebook is......none you know if I'm naked or not.

   Some girls see the news reports of those ladies with 136 cats and think, "See, I'm not The Crazy Cat Lady." WRONG!!  If you talk to your cats like they're your children, you ARE The Crazy Cat Lady!

   If you're woman put you in the doghouse for no particular reason then head to the cathouse for the same reason.

   I feel like I woke up an hour too early this morning

   I donated my body to science....fiction.

   I think at some point a switch flicks in the heads of parents. From "study, study, study" they go "marry, marry, marry".

   Its daylight saving time again people.. An you know what that means.. Playing another week of “Well it should really be this time instead of that time"We get it! Happens twice a year!

   When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure.

   down in the dumps...no really, this trash is deep...

   Having to poop after a shower is basically your body's way of pranking you.

   Say no to commercialized enterprise Christianity.

   The truth hurts. So if it's hurtful it must have some element of truth to it.

   If you're always honest you will never feel stupid.

   Always remember "You can't save these Hoes, That's Jesus job."