Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Silence is golden. If you do not agree with something that I post on my page, I would advise you to keep your opinion to yourself than try and confront me on my own turf otherwise I will embarrass you.

   They say " you can attract more bees with honey, rather than vinegar." Why the crap do I want more bees around me?

   Someone could get rich opening a business that untangles Christmas lights. Grrr....

   when its someones birthday on fb you go to their page and copy n paste a happy birthday.

   Steel toe boots: Check! Flack jacket: Check! Metal baton: Check! Helmet with face shield: Check! OK....I think I am ready to go to the grocery store now and shop for the Thanksgiving meal. :)

   never on schedule because I don't live my life by the times others sets.

   Who needs dance lessons when you've got alcohol?!

   New gay sitcom: "Leave it, it's beaver."

   How do Mexicans take a family portrait?They all jam into the front seat and run a red light.

   I just noticed that giving the Kirby vacuum salesman a pot brownie made the price of the unit much more negotiable! ツ

   Two seagulls are flying over The Kentucky Derby. The first one says, "I'm gonna put everything I've got on Number Seven."

   How fat was she?She needed a hairdresser for each armpit.

   Here's two short jokes and one long joke...joke, joke, jjoooookkkeeee.

   What's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a hooker with diarrhea?An epileptic oyster shucker shucks between fits

   Looking to prank someone? Put Bieber tickets on really cheap & post their phone number.

   I hope one day I am wealthy enough to donate to every charity that sends me free address labels.

   I wonder if astronomers will ever find the opening credits to Stars Wars floating out there

   Glad my work doesn't do drug tests cause everyone would find out I'm a loser who doesn't party

   there is a skinny girl inside me tring to get out...but I can shut her up with cookie.

   just got back from my morning walk and got a TON of canned goods!!!!