Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every time a Christmas tree is lit before Thanksgiving, an elf drowns a baby reindeer.

   Don't understand why everyone is so excited about "breaking wind". Everytime I break wind people just run away!!

   Take this status and shove it straight up your ass. Your head needs some company.

   As soon as I figure out who drank my 2 cases of beer, I'm gonna try to figure out why I'm so drunk.

   Dreams are just fanfictions of your life written by your brain.

   Lazy rule number 42: If it isn't on the first page of Google, it doesn't exist.

   I almost talked my way out of a ticket today by telling a female cop she was very attractive...but things went sour when I said "and that's not just the booze talking either".

   A smart person realizes how stupid everyone else is and gets depressed. A very smart person realizes how stupid everyone else is and gets rich.

   It is important to be thankful for little things in life. Like the fact that the world doesn't make a strange creaking noise when it rotates on its axis.

   Girls: If a guy wants you for your breasts, legs, and thighs, send him to KFC. You're a lady, not a cheap value meal.

   Heard they have a new Michael Jackson video game out.....I bet the Pedophiles are gonna love this.

   Why does a squirrle swim on its back? To keep its nuts dry...

   Ever notice cops never say "Thanks for speeding and keeping us employed"? How rude. We do our part to keep jobs in America and they can't even say thanks. ;)

   “So you think that money is the root of all evil. Have you ever asked what is the root of all money?

   Now I know why people are looking for intelligent life on other planets! They've given up on this one!!

   no I don't mind telling you how to go to hell: take a right on kiss my a$$ lane, go straight on f**k off way, then pull in and park at the intersection on bite me road and go f**k yourself avenue

   twinkle twinkle little snitch...mind your own business you nosey b!tch

   I'm gonna try setting up Occupy Wall Street signs at the local theater in hopes that police will arrest all the Twilight nuts camping out...

   How can my kids rule at playing Tetris, then do such a crappy job at loading the dishwasher?

   I'm black, but I'm not ,24 inch rims, black