Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Obama advising the Europeans on dept reduction is like asking Bernie Madoff manage your investment portfolio.

   If lesbians hate men so much, then why do they all try to look like truck drivers?

   Not sure if any conformation of this can be found in the scriptures, but I'm fairly certain the "Free Credit Report Dot Com" tune is played non-stop in hell.

   How many people really LOL? Shouldn't it be LQTM (laughing quietly to myself) ?

   I wrote a country song for my ex; its called: "I'm Missin' You, but my aim's gettin' better".

   my alarm clock is covered in fur, has 4 legs, a wet tongue-and NO snooze button! :b

   "Crazy" is just another name for "Someone who knows how to have fun"

   Did you know that if you drive past the first drive thru window your food is free?

   If there was a hero that saved people from awkward conversations, he'd be more popular than Superman.

   Hey people in cavilers, you have a 4 cylinder! I have an 8, stop trying to race me.....

   its all fun and games till you get tape on your face.

   Blows me away how my friends psychic knows my 90 yr old granny has arthritis ...amazing.!!!

   just saw a one armed man walk into a second hand store.

   the people who you babysit for, you should poke holes in all the condoms and ensure yourself at least five more years of babysitting money.

   If you think about it, most of your friendships stay in the "humor zone", where silences are awkward and must be resolved with laughs. Deep friendships allow you to be yourself instead of just a comedian.

   People would probably piss me off a lot less if I was allowed to drive a tank.

   My mind and my body are starting to strongly disagree about how old I am.

   You never see the GEICO Gecko driving a car in any of those commercials. I find that suspicious..

   Money doesn't buy you happiness is just a saying rich people made up to prevent poor people from wanting to rob them.

   Obama supporters are in SUCH denial about EVERYTHING! We're on to you..accept it.