Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Studies have shown a daily BJ makes relationships last much longer. It's true, I took a seat and volunteered for these studies.

   You can take that tone of "here comes the shocking part" out of your voice. I've already guessed the ending.

   I fear that if the Mississippi "life begins at conception" bill passes, my army of tissue babies will rise up & take over the world.

   Every time I type "not" it auto-corrects to "Nottingham." I think I accidentally stole Robin Hood's iPad.

   if facebook was a school, I swear i'd have perfect attendance.

   Whatever you are, be a good at it. Even strippers have career goals.

   Serendipity - When an empty glass and a bottle of booze cross paths.

   If you suddenly find yourself unable to access some parts of my Facebook page, don't panic, it just means I have quarantined and placed your stalkin' a$$ on the RESTRICTED list. Thanks Facebook for this great new tool.

   Now Wit #MW3 bein released 2day.there will B an increase of snack n Drink consumption, Lack of Sleep n Angry Wives/GF's All Around The World

   If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. And if they refuse to be let go, get a restraining order.

   In the timeless words of Devoe and his confidants Bell & Biv. Never trust a big butt and a smile, that girl is poison.

   Never forget what someone says when they're angry. Apologies are given when people are sorry that others heard their unfiltered opinions.

   Be comfortable in your own skin, only serial killers are comfortable in other people's skin.

   if she let's you keep your weed in her bra... wife that b!tch

   I dont know who gets around more " The Duggars or Hermain Cain".

   Why does the new FB layout say "12 more recent stories", then when you click it, it takes you way down the page to the old ones??

   Always remember that you're unique, just like everyone else.

   Time heals all wounds but memories reopen them.

   Dracula + Tinkerbell = Edward Cullen. He is not a VAMPIRE. He doesn't feed on PEOPLE, he lives in the forest, and he sparkles. He is CLEARLY a Fairy.

   My level of maturity changes depending on who I'm hanging out with.