Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bacon. The word alone deserves its own status.

   in the dictionary everything starts with e.

   Whenever I worry I've been wasting my time on FB, I cheer myself up by remembering I have never seen a Twilight movie.......

   says If you're going to be original, be prepared to be copied.

   patiently waiting for the day when I need to set the alarm on my clock to wake up in the morning.

   Notice seen outside a Church: Please do not leave your Purse/Watch/Handbag/Mobile/Girlfriend/Boyfriend unattended. Others may think it`s an answer to their prayers.

   As Ole Fred Sanford would say, "You big dummy".

   If you're going to be original, be prepared to be copied.

   changing seats on a bus may change your view... but not your destination

   Can't believe that Facebook won't let me set my relationship status to “in a relationship with myself”.

   Pretending you're the host of a cooking show, when you're home alone cooking.

   If you plan your own birthday party, you really don't have that much to celebrate.

   My definition of clean living is mixing my Jack and Coke with my pinky since it's touched less gross stuff than my other fingers.

   Oh lord, give me patience and inner peace because if you give me strength, I might just punch somebody in the face.

   No matter what mistakes I make in my life at least I won't be as pathetic as the guy who got eaten by a t-rex on the toilet in Jurassic Park

   I can keep a secret, its all the people I tell who cant.

   I should be sitting in prison right now on charges of arson. Luckily for me, the judge died last night in a 'mysterious' house fire.

   Ugly women with bad attitudes get on my damn nerves.

   Worst Passwords of 2011 : "kimswedding" ... Too short & not strong enough.

   Get rid of people that withdraw from your life and never deposit!