Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One of my family members has just been diagnosed with Alzheimer's if only I could remember which one!!

   What the hell is everyone's deal with lemons? - Life handing out stuff

   My girlfriend and I weighed ourselves, then we had sex, and then we weighed ourselves again. Just as I thought... I'm doing all the f*cking work.

   I thought a friend said, "you should get a life." I replied "F**k you!" He explained that he actually said, "you should get a WIFE." My reply stayed the same.

   Q)Why do women have foreheads? A)So men have a place to kiss them after a Blow job

   Have you noticed that since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs anymore.

   When my ex yelled at me: "You'll never find anyone like me!" I just picked up a spade, winked and replied, "Neither will anyone else."

   I'm calling into work sick-of-this-sh!t.

   Who the puck names their kid Wolfgang?

   Your delusional,she wouldn't do you if your semen cured cancer!!!

   I try to hide the snacks I just ate by pushing the empty bag to the bottom of the trash.

   Went to the movies. There must have been 400 people. Most of them were not there to see the movie, but to compete in a popcorn box and chocolate wrapper rustling competition. Others came to cough.

   Want my opinion fine don't get mad when you hear what I say, if you want something sugar coated...eat a doughnut!!

   Time to clean my room: 50% listening to music & dancing around, 49% being lazy, 1% just standing.

   Everyone else has a nickname for their own butt, right?

   An asteroid has narrowly missed the Earth by 201,000 miles. Scientists have named it "Fernando Torres."

   asks If a older woman that goes after a younger man is a cougar, is an older man that goes after a younger man a Nittany Lion?

   Just saw on the TV news that the ADHD prescription drug "Adderall" is gotten hard for Pharmacies to keep in stock due to demand and... What was I saying? I lost track, Umm, something about something.

   Seriously? WTF is it with all the unecessary phone names? ~~> Get the new 4G LTE touch bionic droid x2 razor Evo 3D 8950 by HTC.

   So Beavis and Butt-Head are back. I didn't even know they went away since I've been working with them for years.