Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you watch Cinderella backwards, it's a delightful animated Disney classic about a woman learning her place....

   The sinking of the Titanic was tragic. At least we're doing everything we can to make sure something similar never happens again today by melting all icebergs.

   I can move things with my mind. Like, my arms.

   My favorite salad is a bunch of different kinds of Doritos mixed together

   This stupid farmers market doesn't have any locally grown pizza.

   When a woman says she'll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.

   “What doesn't kill you makes you smaller.” ~Mario

   Silence is golden. If you do not agree with something that I post on my page, I would advise you to keep your opinion to yourself than try and confront me on my own turf otherwise I will embarrass you.

   They say " you can attract more bees with honey, rather than vinegar." Why the crap do I want more bees around me?

   Someone could get rich opening a business that untangles Christmas lights. Grrr....

   when its someones birthday on fb you go to their page and copy n paste a happy birthday.

   Steel toe boots: Check! Flack jacket: Check! Metal baton: Check! Helmet with face shield: Check! OK....I think I am ready to go to the grocery store now and shop for the Thanksgiving meal. :)

   never on schedule because I don't live my life by the times others sets.

   Who needs dance lessons when you've got alcohol?!

   New gay sitcom: "Leave it, it's beaver."

   How do Mexicans take a family portrait?They all jam into the front seat and run a red light.

   I just noticed that giving the Kirby vacuum salesman a pot brownie made the price of the unit much more negotiable! ツ

   Two seagulls are flying over The Kentucky Derby. The first one says, "I'm gonna put everything I've got on Number Seven."

   How fat was she?She needed a hairdresser for each armpit.

   Here's two short jokes and one long joke...joke, joke, jjoooookkkeeee.