Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think I was bitten by a radio-active sloth.

   When I was younger I used to have a lot of patience, but now I'm like Michael Jackson's Doctor & I have no patients.

   If I were a dog I'd constantly be thinking "Sure. You can pat me. Whatever. Then you can feed me and maybe later you can pick up my poop".

   I call the bomb squad everytime a package is delivered at work so we can stand outside & bull sh$it the rest of the day.

   Sometimes you have to ask yourself if you are doing the right thing. If you can see Gary Busey doing it, chances are you should not.

   Kim Kardashian. Kim Bassinger. Kim Chee. I'll take "Things that are edible" for $500 Alex

   how many times can you post the cougar/nittany lion thing. there is three per page! OK, WE GET IT!

   I drank an energy drink so if anyone needs help packing, pushing your car to a gas station or shaking the leaves off your trees let me know.

   My ex was really into erotic asphyxiation. And by "erotic asphyxiation" I mean he was fat and I couldn't breathe.

   My favourite pastime is planting sex toys at yard sales in nice neighborhoods, then sitting back to watch the magic unfold.

   Just invented a drink called the LESBIAN. All you do is mix two liquors

   One of my family members has just been diagnosed with Alzheimer's if only I could remember which one!!

   What the hell is everyone's deal with lemons? - Life handing out stuff

   My girlfriend and I weighed ourselves, then we had sex, and then we weighed ourselves again. Just as I thought... I'm doing all the f*cking work.

   I thought a friend said, "you should get a life." I replied "F**k you!" He explained that he actually said, "you should get a WIFE." My reply stayed the same.

   Q)Why do women have foreheads? A)So men have a place to kiss them after a Blow job

   Have you noticed that since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs anymore.

   When my ex yelled at me: "You'll never find anyone like me!" I just picked up a spade, winked and replied, "Neither will anyone else."

   I'm calling into work sick-of-this-sh!t.

   Who the puck names their kid Wolfgang?