Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Motivated Idiot: Just found out Vodka is made from potatoes.... Which means once upon a time, someone looked at a potato and figured out how to drink it, Genius! I'm currently looking at this carrot, any minute now I'll be a genius.......

   I went to a Gay picnic once , the music was good , decorations were just lovely . The Beer was cold , hamburgers were just delicious but the hot dogs tasted like crap .

   The ultimate rejection is when your hand falls asleep while jacking off.

   Please note that I have obtained Mad Swagger.

   I bet more people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.

   My girlfriend's been at a baby shower for like 3 hours. That baby's gotta be so clean by now. Girls are weird...

   It's gotten to the point where I judge people solely on how many Dumb & Dumber quotes they know.

   My dating profile is:- Likes poetry, long romantic walks in the woods and poking dead thing's with a stick.

   Life is full of fake people. Before you decide to judge them, make sure you're not one of them. ♥

   They'll hate you if you're pretty. They'll hate you if you're not. They'll hate you for what you lack and they'll hate you for what you got.

   Mr. Krabs needs to get a DNA test on Pearl.

   Just finished a frenzied reciprocal poke session on facebook. I think my finger just came.

   My dating profile: "Doc. 36. I hate long walks on the beach. I like alphaghetti and buttplay." Good, right?

   Do you believe in gosh?

   Strip Clubs dont make any sense to me. Its like somebody putting a hot turkey in front of you and all you can do is yell at it

   Never tell your woman shut up... just tell her that her lips are sexy when they are closed...

   After Watching a scary movie.:IT'S OKAY I DIDN'T WANT TO SLEEP TONIGHT ANYWAY.

   my doctor: "do you have any pains after sexual intercourse?'' me: "well, they usually don't call back afterwards, and that kinda hurts."

   I'm so sick of being white it's like playing a video game on easy

   "Fart" is such a crude word. I prefer "Song of the South."