Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I get a tattoo of a grape, in time when I age, will it gradually transform itself into a raisin?

   "Danger" is my middle name!! Unfortunately "Stranger" is my first.

   Does anybody know if their is a place hiring someone too stand there and look pretty cuz I have a PhD in that sh*t...

   I like to get paid daily and laid daily. Does anyone know how I can combine the two?

   Decades of vets went out & sacrificed their lives so you can eat a McRib & complain about how much your country sucks.

   I'd like to thank the TSA for keeping Americans safe by taking that full-body scan naked photo of my Mom.

   We Cant Be Together. It's not you, it's me. I can't be with someone who sucks.

   So a celebrity can just mention a product on Twitter and then they get them sent to them for free? OVEN MITTS!!!

   Want to surprise your girlfriend? Introduce her to your girlfriend

   Want to surprise you girlfriend? Introduce her to your boyfriend.. :O

   I hate when the person I Facebook-stalk never updates anything

   It's better to cross the line and suffer the consequences than to just stare at that line for the rest of your life.

   To anyone who would risk their lives for their country foreign or domestic, I tip my hat to you.

   Sorry to say, but if you're celebrating Veterans Day by calling into work so you can stay home and play Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3, then you're doing it wrong.

   Skinny Chicks that wear long Eyelashes be looking like Mosquitoes'!

   You know your poop was good if a few minutes after you flush, your toilet burps.

   I love gamers. While they are busy playing Call Of Duty, I am busy answering their girlfriend's call of duty.

   CALL OF DUTY. Replacing girlfriends since 2003.

   Don't confuse fame with success. Kim Kardashian is one; Mother Teresa is the other.

   People now a days throw the word love around like its a goddamn frisbee! How are you going to start dating someone and 4 days later post how much you love them? B!tch you dont even know them!