Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My first childhood memory was of a hummingbird dive bombing my stroller to steal the apple juice out of my sippy cup .

   When the salesman told me my new 4G smart phone was SUPER fast I didn't know me meant the battery.

   Accidentally mixed my I can't believe it's not butter with my real butter. Now I don't know what to believe..

   Sometimes, when you're having a sh!tty day and you're really stressed out, all it takes is something small, like stubbing your toe, having your printer malfunction, or losing your scissors, to make you break down in tears and lose all hope.

   Friends are like bananas. If you peel back their skin, and eat them, they wil die.

   It's annoying when people take an unattractive quality they have and try to make it sound cute. "Umm I'm kind of a control freak. Like, I just REALLY like things my way. Ahaha(((:" B!tch shut up.

   Dear Face Book you keep offering up people for me to friend, but then you get all  concerned and ask me how I know them.  You can't be the pimp and the cop!

   Today, I learned if you dream you're having a piss, you most likely are having a piss.

   Someone told me a while back. Your not in a relationship unless its official on Facebook. I just wanted to slap em right there.

   "I just saw you on tv" "OH MY GOD what channel?" "Animal planet"

   I will do anything humanly possible to reach the remote without getting up..

   ❒ Single ❒ Taken ✔ Too sexy that if you go out with just one person, everybody will get jealous & depressed therefore killing themselves.

   What so sad is when you're trying to get over someone you never even dated.

   8 year old kids today have Facebook, twitter, phones, iPod. When I was there age, I had a coloring book, crayons, chalk, and imagination.

   Sometimes, talking to a woman requires a translator.

   I can think of 14 tweets about cat buttholes but I don't want you to think I'm insane or anything.

   In my family, we always celebrate 11/11/11 on the evening of 11/10/11. Like they did in the Bible.

   Facebook, I would be more interested in your recommendations about who I should unfriend.

   Hussein☑ Bin Laden ☑ Ghadafi ☑ Jerry Sandusky ☐.....I'm sending "SEAL Team 6" over to Sandusky's at Penn State to take care of this matter!

   I've finally figured out why they're called 'payslips'.... the 'pay' just 'slips' right through your fingers!!! :(