Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't need a watch to tell me that my time is now or never.

   Research shows that 80% of men don't know how to use condoms. These men are called DADS!

   All computers wait at the same speed!

   A blond and brunette were walking and the brunette says "look a dead bird" the blond looks up and says "where where?"

   a facebookworm

   That lady from the target commercial scares me.

   “Thanksgiving dinner price highest in 20 years” PLAN: I'm putting together a list of Thanksgiving invites......stop in say hi, hug everyone, grab a plate and go to next house, cheapest Thanksgiving in 20 years!

   "As God as my witness...I thought turkeys could fly" - Les Nessman, WKRP Radio

   I think the first time I realized I was dyslexic was when I went to a Toga party dressed as a goat

   It's an awkard situation when you make a milk shake and no one shows up in your yard.

   How to Lose Weight: Turn your head to the left, then to the right. Repeat when offered food.

   It takes 22 muscles to smile and 37 muscles to frown. That means I'm working out harder than you, Mr. F*cking Happy.

   With great power comes a great electricity bill.

   Due to the Global Financial Crisis, Ke$ha will now be known as Ke¢ha.

   They should really make stomach medicines taste better, cause the last thing I want to swallow when I'm sick is something chalky and ass flavored.

   If only the Indians had given the Pilgrims donkey on Thanksgiving. We'd all be getting some ass today.

   Whenever you're feeling down, I'll be there to feel you up. ♥

   A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking, but a wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed

   The radio shouldve started playing thanksgiving music instead of christmas music but the only song I can think of is Adam Sandlers Thanksgiving Song.

   Damn, The supermarket is out of Turkey Hill.